But one thing we have to do tomorrow (unless she is running a fever) is get glasses.  Both of us – Me and Madi.  I know I need glasses and I haven’t even had my eyes checked yet.  I am getting old indeed.  My eyesight is causing horrible headaches that make me pray for permanent darkness to make the pain go away.  I am hoping the glasses help.  Ryen is REALLY hoping the glasses help.  I know he is just as sick of them as I am.  He is patient but he hates seeing me in pain and I hate ruining everyone’s day/night/weekend.  Madi needs glasses to read.  I knew this last year when I had her eyes checked but the Optometrist suggested I wait another year before spending the money on lenses because he knew her eyesight would change (get worse?) and he didn’t want me to spend the money and have to return in 6 months for new lenses.  So we are getting glasses.  The three of us will be wearing glasses.  A family of four eyes!  Yippppeee! 

And because Madi’s fever required lots of attention, I am sort of spent.  So I am ending this post with a simple YIPPPEEE~!  SUBWAY SANDWICHES are here!  I am hungry, so let’s eat.  Sorry, I didn’t get enough for the internet but YUM – It smells so good.  It’s the little things people!  I hope your weekend is filled with sunshine and regular bodily temperatures.

To Whom it May concern:

I am not sure if this is the correct department (do years have departments) or if I should address the months separately voicing my specific complaints for said month.  If that is the case, please make copies and pass out to the other months, most of you sucked so badly I feel you owe me that much.  I have several issues with you and was told by your older brother 2010, that I should contact you with a list of complaints and then move on.  Because 2010 has assured me that it is going to be better.  All the months are planned out with FUN moments and I have been assured that I won’t remember the bad moments you gave me by the time June rolls around.  June has some big plans for me so you can suck it June 2009.

2010 is all about lists – Life lists, to-do lists, packing lists, things I will need for that photography class list etc. So twenty-Ten (he likes to be called that, Yo!) suggested I purge my list of bad things you did to me.  Yes I am still talking to you 2009!  So here goes, take note of my complaints and do with them what you will.  Which I have been warned is probably going to be NOTHING because you are retired now and why would you care that you provided anyone bad yearly services?  Hopefully you won’t get all catty by chasing twenty-ten around claiming that I need to repeat some of these things because I didn’t do them right the first time or some crazy shit like that.

2009 “You did me wrong” list:

My Dad was very sick during most of your watch and suddenly your brother comes along and he si doing better.  I find this suspicious.

Chris and I had been separated and it just so happens that our divorce was final in 2009.  It is only fitting since you provided a lot of unhappy times maybe it was a theme year and you forgot to tell everyone else.

I met Ryen at the beginning (the one good thing you had going for you) and it was almost like you decided that meeting Ryen was such a great thing I shouldn’t be allowed anything else of the good karma variety in 09.  Whatever 2009 – we are still together and 2010 is taking us to a weekend getaway which is something you could never manage to do during the entire 12 months you were calling the shots.  There were plenty of chances but you came up short every single time.  Shame on you for not trying harder.

Laid off from my all time favorite job.

Laying off my friends which in turn caused great concern for those friends.  I lost sleep over this 2009 – you disgust me!

Finding me the best job in the pay area only to find out that I am working with robots.  Do you have any idea what this is like?  Imagine working in a building with hundreds of people, none of those people have personalities which mean they never talk to you unless it is work related and they don’t get me or my sense of humor.  This is a problem.  I complained about this and YOU 2009, did nothing to fix it but 2010 has already improved the situation to a point that it is now tolerable and dare I say I like my job.  And yet you couldn’t make it tolerable enough to get me through a week without tearful moments.  Are you proud of yourself?  Do you like to make children cry too?  How can you sleep at night?

Well none of that matters does it 2009?  I ended this contract and moved on.  Couldn’t have come at a better time.  Of  course I haven’t done my taxes yet but after that, I mean it, WE ARE OVER!

PS – 2010 says that your brother 2008 was way better than you and I have to agree.  I mean come on – YOU KILLED THE KING OF POP!

Good-bye 2009 ~ You were really no more than a one night stand that ended up forwarding your mail to my house without my knowing it.  By the time I realized how bad you were for me it was too late so I was stuck with you until your (much cuter) older brother showed up to haul your ass to the archives where you belonged all along.  I do feel a little bad for you though.  It seems that your younger brother 2008 made off with all your money and that does excuse some of your mistakes but lets face it – you really screwed up when you messed with my Dad.  Don’t let your older brother make the same mistake.  I won’t be this nice next time around.

The first 3 years of those 8 were good times.  I was learning at such a fast pace that my mind was constantly moving and I was thrilled to be where I was.  Those first few years I was able to travel and see things I would have never had the chance to otherwise.  I found out what it meant to network with human beings and I used that to my advantage gaining life long contacts.  These contacts have helped me numerous times over the years and I credit a few of them for saving my ass on more than one occasion.  Fast forward a couple of years and 2 IT directors later, things started fading fast, mainly the budget.  I could have lived with that but then there was a promotion from within the department and that IT director would leave a trail of knowledgeable, well rounded, morally sound co-workers  fighting for their careers and what must have felt like fighting for their lives.  Being on the other side and watching this, no choice but to watch if you wanted to keep your position and your livelihood was the beginning of the end for me.

I understand the need to restructure departments, promote workers for their talent, demote workers when they are over their heads but this is not what I am speaking of.  I am talking about cut-throat, back stabbing, immoral practices for personal advancement.  When you know that your director got to where she is by doing things that most people wouldn’t dream of doing, she did them with a smile on her face.  And for the next few years it got worse.  And I have seen things that I will carry with me as a lesson for the rest of my working days.  Sort of a code that I live by in the workplace.  Things that I stay away from to ensure that I don’t end up with a cold hardened heart that I can only guess that a person would need to carry out such devious plans.  Some would call this normal office politics and if you do then you have not been where I have been and you have not seen the things that I have seen.  Your head would spin right off your shoulders as mine did nearly every day that I was a witness to it.

I have no fear of writing these things on the Internet because that bridge was burning long before I put in my resignation.  I knew that if I didn’t leave, I would be fired and I would be hard pressed to find an IT position ever again.  She would have made certain of it.  So I left before she had the pleasure of ruining my career.  This is the kind of person who loves to go down the discipline plan at a painfully slow rate just so she can witness the pain it causes in the persons life.  She also find pleasure in firing people but that is a quick and easy task for her, she prefers the long and painful road – watch them squirm – that makes her day, week, month or year.  Depending on how long she decides to play with their lives.  It is fun for her.  Probably the only enjoyment that she gets out of the job as far as I can tell.  I never saw any pleasure from her teams successes and there were many.  We were a great team inspite of a bad leader.  We just had to make sure that she looked good and boy did she!  She took all the credit from upper management and we gave credit to each other.  We celebrated our successes quietly amongst our team and that was more than enough to keep our spirits up.  That is as long as she left us alone.  She always had one person in her cross hairs and everyone prayed that it wouldn’t be them, please don’t let me be the one this week, month. or year.  I was a big target for her because I took over her old position when she was promoted.  This is a person who gave me a chance as a college student, mentored me and later she would be the one that almost drove me mad.  Maybe someday I will write in more detail but let’s just say that in her eyes I could never do the job as well as she did.  First of all she wouldn’t allow it.  She always made sure that everyone knew how much better it was when she was manager.  Second of all, the evil in her found great enjoyment in setting me up for failure.  Something she did often and will no mercy what so ever.  She is above the law so to speak and can do or say what she wants.  I got the hell out of dodge before she ruined me but not before I got the lesson and for that I am thankful.  I am thankful to her for showing me what NOT to do.

I can’t tell you how hard it was to leave that company.  Those people were my family no matter if I liked all of them or not.  They were family and it was safe.  I  knew my job inside and out but it was way past time to go.  My next job would prove to be yet another lesson in life.  One of those lessons that you don’t want to learn but God has wheel so just shut up and let him drive.  He has gotten you this far hasn’t he?  My new job was a dream!  I immediately fit in, I was traveling again, meeting new people and learning.  Oh my was I ever learning.  Starting a major conversion and I was new to the team with fresh ideas and life was grand.  My co-workers and I joked about how good we had it and good things don’t last.  We didn’t realize how right we were until almost 2 years later.  For the first time in my entire working life I was being laid off.  They were talking severance pay and unemployment benefits while my mind glazed over.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so certain that this job, this glorious job was my reward for living in pure hell for 8 years.  That somehow I would turn old and grey and would retire from this little piece of heaven.  It wasn’t in the plan.  No, the plan was severance pay and 10 weeks to look for another job when the economy was at an all time low.  When I say an all time low, I am only speaking personally – things have been much worse for the older generation.  For me this was the worst I had seen it.  The thought of being without work was unfathomable to me.  I had not been without a job since the day I turned 16 and started at Burger King.  How could this be?  Why was this happening?  Those questions were never answered and I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I was shell shocked and so were my co-workers.  For the most part we were all being laid off.  Some were asked to move to St. Louis but that was not an option for me.  There was NO way I was leaving Madi and there was NO way that I was taking her that far away from her Dad.  The subject was not even talked about.  I said no as soon as the question was raised, I didn’t need to think about it.  What I did need to think about was how the hell I was going to pay the mortgage.  I knew I could last about 2 months without a job but I didn’t want to be in a position to stretch my money as far as it would go.  I needed a job and I needed one fast.  Long story short – I spent my remaining days sending out resume after resume.  If I had to guess how many I sent in total, the number reaches close to fifty.  I applied for everything and I was willing to work at McDonalds if I didn’t hear something soon.

I got one single interview out of ALL those applications.  That one interview landed me a job as a Tech Coordinator for one of the top 10 CPA firms.  Great pay, great benefits and a brand new building to move into.  I sit here this morning and I feel fortunate.  I feel like someone is watching out for me.  Things work out for me somehow and I am not always quick to recognize that.  But this morning, on Christmas Eve, I am grateful, I am more than grateful – I feel like I am protected by people that are here with me and those that I cannot see.  I know that God is watching over me – there is no other explanation.  I don’t believe that it is luck.  I am not even sure what luck is, although I use the term a lot.  We say “Your so lucky, were so lucky, she/he has the best luck” but it has to be more than that I believe.  Just when I think things are going to be bad, their going to be rough or I might not make it out of this one unscathed – I am provided with opportunities and I am given choices that will turn things around.  For this I am grateful.  So on this Christmas Eve I sit at my desk to tell all of you that I am not a lucky girl – I am one VERY THANKFUL girl.  Whoever is out there listening, I hope that someone is watching over you, I hope you are surrounded by friends and family that love you.  Those are the two things that have gotten me through the trials this year.  The Lord above and my friends and family who have rallied around me, who have told me that it will be ok.  And it is more than ok.  It is fantastic.  My life is just how it should be!  And I am surrounding myself with people who truly care for my well being.  I wish I had known years ago what I know now.

This last part is for Ryen and Madi.  I can’t think of a better way to spend a day than to spend it with the two of you.  No matter where we are or what we do you both bring so much to my life.  Ryen – you are the kindest person I have ever met.  You love me like no other and I never have to wonder what your intentions are.  The fact that you truly love me and care about me is so very clear to me and everyone around us.  I can’t imagine, nor do I want to, imagine my life without you in it.  This has been a rough year but you have never left my side.  I have never been with someone who is so emotionally connected to what is going on in my life.  We truly went through these rough times TOGETHER, side by side.  I never once felt like I was alone.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Aren’t you glad to know that this coming year will be so much better?  I love you!

Madi – you are and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I thought that as a parent I would be the teacher but you prove me wrong every day by teaching me lesson after lesson.  I know this year has been rough on you too and I would have liked to have kept all the bad things from reaching you but you wouldn’t have it.  You had to be involved – you are too smart for me sometimes.  You knew about the layoff and you prayed for me and encouraged me but most of all you believed in me.  You told me day after day “Mom, I know you are going to get that job and it’s going to be awesome.”  Those are powerful words Madi and they worked wonders for my confidence.  Just hearing you say it made me believe that they were true.  In the end, you were right.  Thank you Madi for being such a great little girl.  I am supposed to be comforting and caring for you – I hope I am doing a good job.  Because sometimes it is hard to tell who is doing the work around here.  I think the best explanation would be that all three of us are doing the work and we seem to be a pretty good team.  Thanks for looking out for me baby girl.  Your the best!

Well you just came down the stairs Madi – your internal clock never lets you down.  You get that from your Dad.  You know it is not a school day so your body says “Let’s rock-n-roll – Get this party started!”  While my body says “Let’s curl up in bed, watch cartoons and nap until at least 10 am”.

Merry Christmas everyone!  I pray that God blesses your family the way he has blessed mine.  PS – No time for proof reading so please forgive the typos and grammar. 

This year has been good to me and I am thankful.  And since it is three days past Thanksgiving I thought it was fitting to write about how thankful I am.  A few years ago I was in a dark place, bad job, depressing to be around and just about as negative as a person can be.  ON A DAILY BASIS!  Yes, I was the girl that people avoided at parties because SHE HAS NOTHING POSITIVE TO SAY!  I was the real life Debbie Downer!  But these days are oh so much better.

Although there is a job situation that I don’t like to speak of, I have a job and for that I am thankful.  It’s a good job, salary speaking, yet that is really all there is to speak about.  It pays the bills and now let’s move on shall we.  See that?  I didn’t complain and go on and on and on about how much I….see?  I think it is meaningless to elaborate.  On to the good stuff!

Madi lost her first tooth!  And she pulled it out herself!  And when I say she lost it?  She really lost it!  Gone.  Can’t find it.  She lost it so good that it might be in an0ther state.  And then I cried.  I am not sure why but this made me cry and I mean REALLY cry.  I am getting choked up about it now so wait while I get a tissue…Sniff!  This is where I take time out to blame Chris and myself at the same time.  That seems fair.  But don’t get me wrong – this is still the good stuff.  This is what life is about.  The sad at the moment but funny in a year or two kind of moment.  Back to the story…

Chris wasn’t supposed to pick Madi up until Monday (11/23) but I got some kind of swine, feline, bovine flu and thought it was not wise to expose Madi right before Thanksgiving.  They were going to be traveling and I didn’t want to expose the entire family to whatever it was that I had.  My fault for getting sick and of course she lost her tooth on Sunday night.  She called to tell me and I was surprised because I didn’t think the tooth was leaving anytime soon.  It was loose but I thought it would hang around for a while longer.  Wrong!  So let’s mark this event right now shall we?  Madi lost her first tooth (lower right front) on Sunday November 22 at approximately 6 pm while eating a grapefruit.

Now let’s talk about Chris…just to be fair.  I begged and pleaded and reminded and pleaded while begging some more “Please don’t lose her tooth!”  And what did he do?  He up and lost her tooth.  So I picked her up tonight, squealed when I saw that little gap where her baby tooth used to be and asked to see the tooth.  I sensed some panic from both of them and I KNEW!  I KNEW THE TOOTH WAS GONE.  I knew it before they started looking.  And then I cried.

I cried because the tooth fairy does not just fly to your house for an IOU.  She needs some proof and the empty spot in your mouth is not proof enough.  I mean what is she supposed to do, pry the sleeping child awake, force her to open her mouth so she can count her teeth?  And how is she supposed to keep track of the teeth?  For all she knows you are just trying to milk another fifty cents from a tooth you lost and collected on 3 weeks ago.  Yes it is silly, I cried.  I am hoping the tooth turns up somewhere.

In other news, Taylor is 18.  An adult.  Hang on while I get another tissue.  This is weird for me and exciting and a little sad.  Bitter sweet.  He is no longer the little Tay-Tay and hasn’t been for a long time.  But to think that college is looming just around the corner makes me want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can.  I have a feeling (just a feeling) that he will be leaving, like REALLY leaving for college.  Maybe a college that is not within driving distance and I am scared.  We have been so close for so long I can’t fathom how this will change my life.  People reading this (not sure there are any people reading this, I just picture imaginary people – and they all look like Morgan Freeman), they may think that statement is strange but I am very involved in Taylor’s life.  I have to schedule my weeks with both Madi and Taylor in mind.  I do this because that is the way it has always been.  This is his last year of high school and that makes it all the more important for me to be there.  I see big things for this kid.  I am already so proud of him for who he is and what he has accomplished.  And yet I know there is so much he is going to do with his life.  He is just that kind of person.  But I know the chances are he will be preparing for that life further away from me than he has ever been.  So instead of being a Debbie Downer, I am going to drive to as many events of his that I can manage, cheer him on and hope that time slows down a little bit along the way.

I am also freaking out about the time because Ryen will be starting college soon too.  He is going back and I am supportive and proud of him.  I know how hard it is, he knows how hard it is and the January start date is getting close.  So I feel that time is moving a bit to quickly and our time together is soon going to be cut in half.  I am not liking that idea one bit but it is only for a short time right?  Right!  January is a good month of us – I met Ryen on a cold January night (the 23rd to be exact) and although it feels like I have known him for so much longer, it has not quite been a year yet.  But that year is getting close – that first anniversary that will be celebrated in a big way!  He has been good to me, to us!  He has been good FOR me and changed me in ways that I am so very grateful for.  I didn’t think it was possible for someone to MAKE you a better person and yet I believe he has.  So this passing of time has been on my mind pretty heavily and I guess I just want to cherish, savor and most of all remember all these wonderful times with all the amazing people in my life.  I have not named them all of course – but I am thankful for each and every day that I have with you!  I am blessed!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

Dear Madison,

Today is your birthday.  In 3 hours and 50 minutes you will have been on this earth for 6 years.  Those years have flown by so quickly I sometimes stop, stare at you and soak it all in.  It may be a moment when you are playing, when you are back talking me or sometimes when you are sleeping soundly in your bed.  I take it all in and you are amazing to me.  It’s amazing that your Dad and I have been able to keep you in one piece for 6 whole years, that alone is a miracle.  You have been a healthy, happy and for the most part, you are a pleasure to have around.  I would be lying if I said there weren’t times when I need to leave the room so that the color in my face will return to it’s normal shade of pale white instead of flaming red after you have pushed that button you sometimes love to push.  You know the button, you know it all to well.  All in all it has been an easy 6 years with you in my life and I honestly don’t know where I would be without you.  I don’t care to imagine such awful things.

Today you are six and tomorrow you start Kindergarten and you have been ready since Spring.  The last day of Preschool you got in the car and said “I am so ready to start Kindergarten, will it be a long time?”.  I tried to explain the wonderful summer ahead of you and your face turned all gloomy and I could see you going to your sad place.  You do that more than I would like but I have accepted this as who you are.  Very sensitive and not one to fake your feelings.  Although this is maddening at times, I am glad that you express your feelings because it is never good to hold things inside.

So now the dreadful summer is over and you couldn’t be happier (unless there were back stage passes to see the Jonas Brothers) that it has come to an end.  We did great things this summer but I have a feeling that all of those memories have been erased from your mind to make room for all the thoughts of school.  This is a big milestone for most children but since you have attended all day preschool for the last 2 years it feels as though you are going into the 2nd grade.  The scary thought that just popped into my mind is I think you would do just fine in 2nd grade.  If they didn’t know your name, age and your face; I could just enroll you now and save your Dad a couple years of tuition.

It may sound as though I am bragging but since this is a letter to you I am allowed to do that.  I am your Mother and I said so, that’s why!  You are smart, incredibly funny and you use words that most 15 year olds don’t know the definition of.  And you use them correctly and it freaks your Mom out.  I can’t count how many phone calls have been made between your Dad and I where the conversation starts with “Hey, are you busy?  I just had to call and tell you what Madi said today”.  These phone calls either make us laugh, make us proud or make us panic at the thought of what you will be like when you are 15.  Will you be smarter than us?  The chances are not in our favor.

Madi, my memories of your life thus far makes everything come together for me.  I no longer question what my purpose in life is or whether all the tough times are worth the trouble.  I just think of you and the answer is always yes.  You give me purpose and you make everything SO worth it.  There are conversations I remember having with your Dad when I was pregnant and I have to laugh at myself.  I had no idea how you would change my life and my perspective.  And you are still doing it everyday.  I swore you would never have a TV in your room and look at what I went and did already.  Your mind is a sponge and I know this because you quote movies in every day conversation and act like no one is going to notice.  And sometimes they don’t and I laugh to myself because I have watched your movies a million times.  And in case I forget this later (ya know people do get old and I am not going to be this young and spry forever) there was a movie that you watched more than any other this year.  Actually two of them – ‘The Christmas Story’ and ‘Annie’ – two movies that you would sometimes watch at Nana Gordon’s after school, again when you got home and you would request that same movie again at bedtime.  You haven’t watched either of those movies for several months now and in fact you informed me that you are getting older.  You say that your taste is changing.  Actually, you say that in reference to a lot of things; food, movies, clothes, toys and people.  It is a little odd that you have to tell me you are growing up because somehow I missed the memo.  I didn’t miss the memo, I am trying my hardest to do the impossible, slow down time.

There is a part of me that is finding great joy in the fact that you are growing, changing and maturing.  There is an even bigger part that longs to go back and experience things all over again because it just didn’t last long enough.  We can’t go back Madi.  This year has been a tough one in many ways and you will read this website when you are older and you will understand.  I wanted to write this in the moment, on your birthday, a very important day, just to tell you one very important thing:  You have changed my life forever and I don’t regret a single minute of the last 6 years with you.  I wouldn’t change a thing.  There were tough times and I wouldn’t change those either.  There was a reason for that tough time, we may not know the exact reason but it’s there.  And changing it might take away all the wonderful times in an instant and that is just too much of a risk to take don’t you think?

So to celebrate the two-thousand-one-hundred and ninety days that you have been on this earth I took the day off from work.  I asked you what you wanted to do on YOUR day and the answer was really easy for you – Build-A-Bear.  So to honor your birthday we are going to go pay some nice person to allow us to stuff cotton in the backside of a lifeless piece of fur and turn it into the newest addition of your furry family.  This animal will join the 20 something animals that already take up space on your very small bed.  He/she will join the new bedtime ritual where I cover your body (except your eyes, nose and mouth) with all your furry friends.  I then kiss you on the tip of your nose and you ask one last time “Mom, are you sure you can’t see my arms, my legs, anything?”.  And sometimes I tickle you just to see 20 animals flying in all directions around your room.

After we stuff the bear/dog/penguin/cat/monkey we will be meeting your Dad for dinner.  This is something we started after the separation and something we plan on doing every year for your birthday.  Dinner with your Mom and Dad.  The two people in your life that love you unconditionally and always will.  I can’t think of a better way to celebrate your life than with the two people who brought you into it.

Happy Birthday baby girl!

Love,

Momma

Life has a way of throwing you lessons out of left field, most of the lessons I have no desire to learn.  So “Hello life!  Stop with the lessons already”.  How about throwing me a cooking class, tap dance lessons or even singing lessons.  Not these spur of the moment, hey your entire life is now up in the air kind of lessons.  My heart can’t take many more of those.

A few months ago I learned that things you love can be taken away for no reason what so ever.  So the job I love was ending, I knew it was coming and it shook my foundation.  This is not a good time to lose a job, if there ever was a good time, this is definately NOT one of them.  They gave us verbal notice in the middle of June, in the middle of my awesome Summer.  In turn, my Summer turned a little on the dark side.  There is no way around it, I was depressed.  But something happened to me during June.  I let myself mourn until the first of July and then I sprang into action and sent out my resume on a mass scale.  I have never applied for so many jobs in my life.  Then I waited.  And the phone didn’t ring.  My inbox was still full of the same old crap; facebook updates, emailed jokes that I don’t read half the time but on the job front there was silence.  Until one day I received a call from an employer that is listed in Forbes as one of the top places to work in the U.S.

GULP!  I had an interview, only told my loved ones, the ones I trust because I knew they would give me the positive energy I needed to get through what ever it was I was going to have to endure.  And boy did I endure some shit.  There was this unbeilievably long and down right scary interview.  The interview that I NAILED!  I walked out of that 25 story building knowing that I gave one hell of an interview, easily the best interview of my entire career.  (Can I call this a career?  I guess 10 years in the field gives me that right?)  So I walked to my car and I said a prayer.  The same prayer I have been saying every day since.  That and a lot of waiting.  No phone calls came, email was the same shit and I was starting to wonder what if?  And those what if’s were getting pretty scary.

I did research on unemployment benefits which only made my world more gray.  Have you ever checked to see what you qualify for on a weekly basis if you lost your job today?  Don’t do it, it will only make you question why you have paid so much into the system to then be handed a check that would pay your monthly grocery bill if you are one of the lucky ones.  Then there was a really dark day that made me look into getting government assistance – food stamps.  My unemployment benefits would have disqualified me for most, if not all assistance available.  WOW.  Wow.  The days were now getting really dark for me.

I once lived in darkness for too many years and knew I didn’t want to go back to that place.  The cool part about this story is that I didn’t have to go back.  This time there were people walking beside me the whole time with a bright light shining right in my face, demanding that I stay focused.  At times it was Madi, telling me that she was saying a little prayer “Momma I hope you get that job.”, and always there was Ryen.  He never let me stay in that dark place very long.  He was there for me, he listened to me, he gave me a reason to hope and to believe that things were going to be ok.  This is something that I still find amazing.  Amazing that I am in love with a man who can pull me out of that place we all go to sometimes.  Some people go to that dark place and never come back, some stay for a while and make every one around them miserable, some people are fortunate enough to stay for only a day or two at a time so as to never be consumed by it.  Without Ryen I think I might still be there, without Madi I would never have had the courage to endure that grueling interview.  I had to do it for her.  I needed that job, any job, because I knew that darkness was getting close.  October 3rd was closing in and there were still no calls, no emails and I was wondering if AT&T had started blocking all calls from potential employers.

A couple of weeks ago Ryen picked Madi up from school and as they were walking into my office my private line rang.  It is almost always my boss calling from next door to talk about changes to the reports I run or calling to ask me if I can cover something while she is out.  But not on this day.  On this day I got a job.  I will be starting in October, I won’t miss a paycheck and the two people who helped me stay in the light were there to witness the call.  It couldn’t have been a better moment.  I want to say that I am lucky, that I am just plain lucky to have found a great job in a time when there are so very few jobs at all.  I will not use the word luck.  I earned this.  I nailed that interview with my experience and my honesty about what I am capable of doing in my line of work.  THAT is what landed me this great job.  The lucky part is having two very awesome people to share the news with.  Without them I would be different, a bad kind of different and for that reason I am the luckiest woman alive.  They love me, I love them and they both shine so bright in my life that the dark moments are impossible to see anymore.  I am aware that they are there but they are not really a part of me.  Just life moments that I know will pass by.  Such a huge difference in situations when comparing the last 8 years.

I am still mourning the loss of my wonderful job, my so very awesome boss and all the people that make work so much fun.  And yet I am so grateful for things yet to come.  The excitement is intoxicating at times, still pinching myself and staying very close to the brightest lights in my life.  So to Ryen and Madi – Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you! For believing in me and letting me know it each and every day.  Thank you for reminding me how awesome you think I am, for telling me I am a good Mom, for telling me I am smart and for just being here with me.  I love you both unconditionally.  Knowing that you both feel the same makes everything okay.  We are going to be okay.  So the life lesson for me turned around – it’s okay to love unconditionally and it feels good to say it, to know it.  That NO MATTER what happens or where you are in life, you are loved.  No matter what you say on a bad day, or what you don’t say when you really should have said SOMETHING, to know that you are still loved?  The best feeling in the world.  This is the first time in my life that I have truly felt it, my heart misguided me in the past.  Made me think there was that kind of love in my life.  Turns out it was only a temporary kind of love, one with conditions and expectations.  Not this.  No, this love is what keeps people together, keeps them close – UNCONDITIONALLY.

The most important event, next to starting kindergarten, is Madi’s birthday.  We have decided to have the party at the park.  We had her first two birthdays at this park so she was all for it.  I want Madi to have a wonderful birthday.  She will 6 years old – WOW!  Chris and I talked about having the party and agreed that it would be silly to have separate parties.  I hope that everyone is able to come.  The decision to have the party at the park was in hopes that everyone would feel more comfortable attending.  I hope it works out for Madi’s sake.

In other news…we found a new home for Chloe.  Ryen and I realized that she was not happy in the back yard.  Although there is plenty of room for her to run, there is just not enough for her to do.  She is bored, she told us she wanted a farm and Ryen found her one.  We didn’t want to let her go but it is what she needed.  We received a call from the nice ladies that adopted her.  They said they turned her loose on their 6 acres, she headed for the pond, jumped in and swam with their ducks.  This made us happy and we feel we did what was best for her.  Madi is handling it ok.  She wants another dog and I decided that the answer was no.  Two is enough.  More than enough.

So back to the October discussion – I am not sure what I am going to do.  I do know that I will have a roof over my head, food to eat and a car to drive.  A job?  Things aren’t looking to good in that area and the severance pay certainly won’t last forever.  Unemployment is not something that was meant to live on so that is not a long term option.  I guess my hope at this point is that sometime between now and November the job market will pick up and I will land the job that I am supposed to have.  Until then I will keep submitting resumes and waiting for the phone to ring.  Oh and praying, I have been doing a lot of that lately.

She arrived in town late Saturday night and I got the early phone call on Sunday at 8:00 am.  “Momma, are you awake?  I am ready to come home.”  So I rolled out of bed and met my ball of energy on the front porch.  She was talking a mile a minute about 50 different things that she did in the past week.  When her Dad left she crawled in my lap on the front porch and gave me the biggest hug she has ever given me.  Having her back is good and I feel like I always do when she has been gone a few days; she has grown a lot.  She says new things and has new stories to tell. I love having her home because it never feels right without her.

I thought a lot (probably too much) about the possibility that I may not have a new job in October.  I thought about this while she was gone because when she is home I barely have the time to think.  I may not be getting a job right away and I think that is going to be ok.  I will manage and I will have more time for Madi.  Something that I have wanted for a long time.  I have missed out on a lot of things and let others do them for me.  Like picking Madi up every day from school and being there to hear about her day.  I want that and I know Madi wants that.

I have also been thinking a lot about music and how Madi used to listen to it every night, all night when she was a baby.  And she rested.  Lately she hasn’t been sleeping all that great.  I can tell she is tired when she gets up and this will only get worse when school starts.  So this weekend I bought something she has been asking for.  An early birthday present.  I bought her an iPod of her own so that she can listen to music while she is going to sleep instead of watching a movie.  Last night was the first night and boy could I tell a difference.  Maybe it was being home and comfy or maybe it was the iPod.  All I know is I woke up to find her in my bed, bright eyed, ear phones on and dancing around the bed to her favorite music.  This made me smile and right now I am smiling as I type this.

I hope that this makes her feel safe when she is drifting off to sleep.  I also hope this puts a lot of dust on the TV because she stops asking to watch it.  I would much rather hear music blaring from her room instead of some Disney movie with very little meaning.  She told me last night that she has been writing songs and I can’t wait until she learns to write.  Because the songs she has in her head are beautiful and funny, just like her.  So now I feel like I am more plugged in as a parent and Madi feels more plugged into music.  That’s not a bad thing, right?

Chris and I chose to separate over two years ago.  It was a mutual decision, one that was private at the time for reasons that will remain private.  We have maintained a more than civil relationship not only for Madi but also for ourselves.  I have no ill feelings toward the Father of my child, my former partner and I still very much consider him a friend.  I also still love him and cannot imagine a time when that love will cease.  He is a part of Madi, the love of my life, so how could I not love this man.  The man that I shared so many years of my life with.  I don’t regret a minute of the 12 years spent with him.  I am also very glad that we chose to end it when we did.  It was time, we both knew it, it wasn’t a joyful time but we have survived.

There are a few people who refuse to accept that two adults can make a decision to remain friends.  To remain friends, remain friendly towards one another seems almost ludicrous to them.  That is their choice and something I have no control over.  In the beginning I wanted to change their feelings, make them understand that everything was going to be okay.  Words have been said, stubborn people remain stubborn and I choose to move past that.  I no longer wish to change them, nor do I wish to remain entangled in their lives.  The hurt is there, how can it not hurt when you love  the ones who no longer have the same love for you?  How do you move past the harsh words that have been said when there is no conceivable reason for them to have such bitter feelings.  I did not divorce this person, I divorced a member of their family.  How do I move on?  I just do.  Sometimes you just have to push them to the outer edges and realize that they were creating a toxic environment for what matters most.  What matters most is my daughter.  If you do not support what Chris and I are trying to do for her then there is no longer a place in my daily life for you.  I have moved on.

This past week Chris and I appeared in court.  We entered together, joked about random things and retained one lawyer.  We did what we thought was best for Madi.  Not what we thought was owed to us or what we thought would be best for us.  Our joint concern is Madi and will remain that way.  The people who wish it to be different are wasting their time and really need to look at their own lives and concentrate on their own happiness.  I think that lonely, miserable people want to be surrounded by the same.  I am not lonely or miserable nor do I believe that Chris is either of those.  We are in this for Madi.  She is our world.  I am grateful that she has a loving Father and I am grateful for the way he has handled the situation.  Madi is a lucky girl who has two parents who love her more than anyone else in the world.  We have done good by her.  That will never cease.

It has not been easy, but easily the hardest thing I have gone through thus far in life.  The loss of a marriage is never a happy thing.  I have gone through every step of grieving and I am now at a place in my life that I am prepared to move on knowing that I did my best with the life tools I had at the time.  Could things have been different?  I don’t know and it’s not something I will ever be able to answer.  It is also not a question that I am seeking a solution to.  It is was it is.  Life must go on.  My life is what I choose to make it.  I have and will continue to make mistakes.  Life is all about learning and sometimes mistakes are made.  I am no longer the person (I was in the past) who dwells on the negative in life, dwelling on mistakes, the should have done, the could have done or the would have done.  I have chosen to go confidently in the directions of my dreams and live the life I have always imagined.  Not the life that someone else has imagined for me.  That was the past me, very different from the person I am today.

Life is rough around the edges and these days I choose to stay centered.  As far away from the edges that I can.  I am still very aware that they are there.  I am sometimes forced to see them but I do not have to be consumed by them.  I am stronger today than I was two years ago.  Am I happier?  Yes, I am happier and wiser inspite of the divorce but not happier because of it.  There is still sadness and I suppose that will remain forever on some level.  I choose to feel the sadness without letting it define me or my life.  That would be a great injustice to Madi.  She deserves happy parents and she has them.  She has them both – one Mother and one Father.  Two people who will never be replaced.  That fact alone can do nothing but make me smile and my heart is happy because of it.  The sadness?  Well I have pushed that out to the rough edges while I stay here in the center.  In that center is the best little girl in the entire history of the world.  Why would I want to be anywhere else?

• There is a new guy in my life (His name is Ryen – more on that later…)
• Madi got a new dog – her name is Chloe Bear and she is a Great Pyrenees
• My Dad is sick and has been in the hospital for 2 weeks
• We cooked our first turkey for Easter
• Taylor went to his first Prom and dressed like a total nerd
• Madi attended her first “Real” concert and got to see Ryen play and also went on stage with him (highlight of her night)

For those of you who know my Dad – He is holding his own and doing better than we could have ever hoped for.  He is getting stronger every day and we are all holding hope that he will make a full recovery.  I have spent the last two weeks second guessing everything I have said or not said to him.  I now know that none of that matters – he is with us now and I am taking every opportunity to tell him all those things, that for over 48 hours, I never thought I would have the chance to say again.

I know that you have all heard this at some point in your life – Don’t take things for granted, tell the people in your life that you love them, spend time with the ones you love – quality time.  We truly do not know how long we have on this earth and the last thing you want is to be standing next to a hospital bed wishing you had said something or done something differently.  It is a hopeless and lonely feeling, one that can be prevented by slowing down and enjoying the friends and family around you.

Check out the Flickr badge on the right for the newest pictures of the family.  Love to you all!