I don’t know what to say about my friend.  The loss is too new, still a fresh wound that I suspect will not heal quickly.  It was not expected and I am still reeling from the surprise of it all.  I am angry.  I am very angry that he is gone.  I am angry with what I have seen in people who I thought were his friends.  My mind is filled with thoughts of my mortality and how we are all living on borrowed time whether we choose to believe that or not.  Nothing is promised to us in regards to time.  All these things are supposed to make us want to live life to the fullest.  Then why do I feel so damn hopeless?

My friend who passed used to tell me that the world was full of “f’d up people”.  I shrugged it off as one of his many negative views of society.  A result of being dealt a crappy hand for most of his adult life.  Now that he is gone, I think he is mostly right.  I am shocked and hurt by the way people reacted to his death.  The terrible things that were said and done on the night of his death make me wonder - Don’t we all have a moral compass?  And if we do – In what direction do you have to be to do such f’d up things to a dead mans grieving family?  A man whom you claimed was a friend.

I know that God is watching and he is deeply disappointed.  I know that my friend is watching and saying to me “I told you so!”.  I hope that Karma is God’s way of pointing your compass in the right direction.  Maybe righting the wrongs of the world.  I hope that my friend saw all the love and sorrow that surrounded his death.  I only know one thing for sure, he will be deeply missed by me.

Rest in peace my friend.  Some day we will surely meet again. <3

Madi often asked to go to Dan’s Place for dinner. She got a lot of attention, Dan’s kids love her, Vicky always gave her quarters and Dan always gave her a sucker. The first time that we went to Dan’s after the accident, he was still on life support because he was an organ donor but the family was also preparing for the service. They did all of this at the restaurant surrounded by friends, family and patrons.

When I explained to Madi what had happened she said something that I will never forget. “Can we give Dan a sucker? I bet it will make him feel better”. That night I told Vicky what Madi had said and she said that it was the first time that day that she had laughed and thanked Madi for being so sweet. Now I can say that Vicky and her family are no longer acquaintances. They are friends and they are wonderful people. They have raised wonderful kids and that is why I am writing this today. Dan and Vicky have a son and his name is Kayne. I asked him if I could share this on Madi’s site and he said “Of course!”. He is 19 years old and wise beyond his years. This is an essay he wrote and for lack of better words, it blew me away. What an amazing person he is, I have witnessed his honesty and his integrity. That is the case for everyone who meets him. Kayne – YOU ROCK! (except for the “Your Mom was Here” t-shirt that you wore “for Madi”…funny but NOT THAT FUNNY!)
Essay by Kayne Schroeder
For those of you that don’t know, my name is Kayne Schroeder. I am 19 years old, and I live in Willard, MO. I love sports, video games, and ALL of my friends and family. There are some basic facts about me that I just thought that you should know.

Honesty: All of my life I have wanted to be famous. Not a movie star famous, or a politicial famous, I just wanted to be the kind of famous where people would be saying, “remember Kayne Schroeder?” and would say it with that sparkle in their eye that makes someone want to strive to be better. The way for me to do it was, and still is, honesty. How does a person define honesty? Telling the truth no matter what? Letting someone know something that they should know? Telling a friend something out of trust? All three of these barely begin to touch up on what honesty is. The root word of honesty is honest. The definition of honest, is honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair. The definition of honesty is The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness. Where is the honesty now? Is it in the movie stars that people trust for their entertainment? Hardly with how much they get paid. Can people find it from politicians that they vote into office? Haha, what a world that would be. Wait, can a person even turn to their close friends for honesty? That is where the world has gone wrong.

Welcome Integrity. I always hated when people weren’t honest. I would ask them a question about something that was tickling my brain or tugging my heart at the moment, and they would either pass off the truth, meaning not neccessarily lying, but not saying the exact truth, or they would just flat out lie. It is one thing to just tell me that you do not want to share that information, but it is another thing to just flat out lie because….

Integrity: Being famous would entitle me to help people in any way that they would need help. I could have moral talks with them, or teach them how to do something that they are not sure how to do. Haha, maybe I could even help them with homework. But I would keep my integrity about it. Integrity can either mean adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty. which applies to a person, or it can mean a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition, which applies to an in-animate object, for instance, a wall. There is also one more meaning. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished, which applies to a culture, hense the one we live in. Why do people have to lie, or do something they know is wrong, without feeling guilt? People make mistakes. Humans are sinners. Doing something wrong once, then asking forgiveness has undeniably become acceptable, if for lack of honesty ot trust, if that person stops doing the thing that they asked forgiveness for. When that same person asks for forgiveness, then go off and do that same thing again, and maybe yet again, then where does the forgiveness stop? Where did the Integrity of a person’s soul go? What lets them get away with being, let’s see, human? That is just it; they are human. Humans are sinners. People make mistakes. The amount of your mistakes are measured in virtue. ….you don’t want to tell me, disregarding all ethical morals, and proving that you have no virtue. I keep as much virtue as I can. I am a virgin, by choice of course, and I try my best to be nice to everyone I know. I also tell the truth about everything that I can, EVEN if my friends can’t.

Virtue: Having virtue proves that you have a purpose for your life. Nothing can get you down because you always have something, or someone, to fall back on. People may make fun of you, try and pull you down into one of the three S’s: Shame, sullen, or sin. Not letting them is the mark of strength of virtue. The three best definitions of virtue, are: moral excellence; goodness; righteousness, and conformity of one’s life and conduct to moral and ethical principles; uprightness; rectitude, then the most important one to life; chastity; virginity. Moral excellence is a beautiful term that describes someone that does exactly what they set out to do with no regret. “I strive for this!” A person can not acheive this unless they have self-control, and to a sense, self-confidence. Doing something that a person wants to do even if they know that it is wrong, would be FAILING moral excellence. Conformity and conduct has to do with changing a life to fit moral excellence. Change is always considered good, unless it is to a certain point where people become lost. A sinful person can change their life to later acheive moral excellence, even though they should not forget the past because lessons are taught from mistakes. The future can hold good things if the beholder makes it so. Chastity; Virginity. Two very powerful terms that flow freely underestimated. Chastity derives from the root word chaste, which does not mean celibate, but is a synonym. All people, all humans, start their life with virginity. Having virginity itself has nothing to do with moral excellence, but chastity describes how willing a person is to obtain, and keep, their moral excellence. Then again, when being introduced, the term “virgin” is thrown out, not the term chaste, which means virginity has taken over the integrity side of virtue. Why has the line been drawn past chaste and virginity? Why do people refuse to say no until marriage? The one gift humans are meant to give to their spouses that no one else has ever had, is sexual intercourse; their virginity. Once that is lost before marriage, what else do they have? More experience? Doubtful with all of the substance abuse and how concieted people are now-a-days. Greater love? Since when has any love been better than the first? Since when has God not been watching over every single move all humans do? Easy question with an even easier answer. Never. What can we take from this?

Honesty is fainting, integrity is false, and virtue is flourescent. Why is this? Why do humans have no care or responsibility over their actions? Excuses flow like wind. “Oh, I was drunk!” or “I was so high.” how about “Man, I really screwed up. I will never do that again.” Why not that one? Why not the TRUTH? Where did friendship go? Where did RESPECT go? The word friend is a funny word. The last three letters are end. That shows what the true meaning of friend is; someone that is there until the end, no matter what. Through thick and thin, luck and lust, triumph and failure. Where does my honesty stop? My integrity? My virtue? At the end of that all familiar word “friend”? I really hope that it could be that way. Someone, please give me hope. Show me, no, PROVE to me that I am wrong about humans. PROVE to me that the world can change. Prove to me that our friendship can actually end at, well, the end.

Neena, You are an amazing Mother, an adoring Grandmother and I am lucky to be able to call you my friend.

Picture courtesy of Clint’s iPhone which I covet.

Julie, Kristy, Neena and me!