But one thing we have to do tomorrow (unless she is running a fever) is get glasses.  Both of us – Me and Madi.  I know I need glasses and I haven’t even had my eyes checked yet.  I am getting old indeed.  My eyesight is causing horrible headaches that make me pray for permanent darkness to make the pain go away.  I am hoping the glasses help.  Ryen is REALLY hoping the glasses help.  I know he is just as sick of them as I am.  He is patient but he hates seeing me in pain and I hate ruining everyone’s day/night/weekend.  Madi needs glasses to read.  I knew this last year when I had her eyes checked but the Optometrist suggested I wait another year before spending the money on lenses because he knew her eyesight would change (get worse?) and he didn’t want me to spend the money and have to return in 6 months for new lenses.  So we are getting glasses.  The three of us will be wearing glasses.  A family of four eyes!  Yippppeee! 

And because Madi’s fever required lots of attention, I am sort of spent.  So I am ending this post with a simple YIPPPEEE~!  SUBWAY SANDWICHES are here!  I am hungry, so let’s eat.  Sorry, I didn’t get enough for the internet but YUM – It smells so good.  It’s the little things people!  I hope your weekend is filled with sunshine and regular bodily temperatures.

Edited:  Wow.  Taylor you need to learn to iron.  Your an adult now.  I will teach you! 

This year has been good to me and I am thankful.  And since it is three days past Thanksgiving I thought it was fitting to write about how thankful I am.  A few years ago I was in a dark place, bad job, depressing to be around and just about as negative as a person can be.  ON A DAILY BASIS!  Yes, I was the girl that people avoided at parties because SHE HAS NOTHING POSITIVE TO SAY!  I was the real life Debbie Downer!  But these days are oh so much better.

Although there is a job situation that I don’t like to speak of, I have a job and for that I am thankful.  It’s a good job, salary speaking, yet that is really all there is to speak about.  It pays the bills and now let’s move on shall we.  See that?  I didn’t complain and go on and on and on about how much I….see?  I think it is meaningless to elaborate.  On to the good stuff!

Madi lost her first tooth!  And she pulled it out herself!  And when I say she lost it?  She really lost it!  Gone.  Can’t find it.  She lost it so good that it might be in an0ther state.  And then I cried.  I am not sure why but this made me cry and I mean REALLY cry.  I am getting choked up about it now so wait while I get a tissue…Sniff!  This is where I take time out to blame Chris and myself at the same time.  That seems fair.  But don’t get me wrong – this is still the good stuff.  This is what life is about.  The sad at the moment but funny in a year or two kind of moment.  Back to the story…

Chris wasn’t supposed to pick Madi up until Monday (11/23) but I got some kind of swine, feline, bovine flu and thought it was not wise to expose Madi right before Thanksgiving.  They were going to be traveling and I didn’t want to expose the entire family to whatever it was that I had.  My fault for getting sick and of course she lost her tooth on Sunday night.  She called to tell me and I was surprised because I didn’t think the tooth was leaving anytime soon.  It was loose but I thought it would hang around for a while longer.  Wrong!  So let’s mark this event right now shall we?  Madi lost her first tooth (lower right front) on Sunday November 22 at approximately 6 pm while eating a grapefruit.

Now let’s talk about Chris…just to be fair.  I begged and pleaded and reminded and pleaded while begging some more “Please don’t lose her tooth!”  And what did he do?  He up and lost her tooth.  So I picked her up tonight, squealed when I saw that little gap where her baby tooth used to be and asked to see the tooth.  I sensed some panic from both of them and I KNEW!  I KNEW THE TOOTH WAS GONE.  I knew it before they started looking.  And then I cried.

I cried because the tooth fairy does not just fly to your house for an IOU.  She needs some proof and the empty spot in your mouth is not proof enough.  I mean what is she supposed to do, pry the sleeping child awake, force her to open her mouth so she can count her teeth?  And how is she supposed to keep track of the teeth?  For all she knows you are just trying to milk another fifty cents from a tooth you lost and collected on 3 weeks ago.  Yes it is silly, I cried.  I am hoping the tooth turns up somewhere.

In other news, Taylor is 18.  An adult.  Hang on while I get another tissue.  This is weird for me and exciting and a little sad.  Bitter sweet.  He is no longer the little Tay-Tay and hasn’t been for a long time.  But to think that college is looming just around the corner makes me want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can.  I have a feeling (just a feeling) that he will be leaving, like REALLY leaving for college.  Maybe a college that is not within driving distance and I am scared.  We have been so close for so long I can’t fathom how this will change my life.  People reading this (not sure there are any people reading this, I just picture imaginary people – and they all look like Morgan Freeman), they may think that statement is strange but I am very involved in Taylor’s life.  I have to schedule my weeks with both Madi and Taylor in mind.  I do this because that is the way it has always been.  This is his last year of high school and that makes it all the more important for me to be there.  I see big things for this kid.  I am already so proud of him for who he is and what he has accomplished.  And yet I know there is so much he is going to do with his life.  He is just that kind of person.  But I know the chances are he will be preparing for that life further away from me than he has ever been.  So instead of being a Debbie Downer, I am going to drive to as many events of his that I can manage, cheer him on and hope that time slows down a little bit along the way.

I am also freaking out about the time because Ryen will be starting college soon too.  He is going back and I am supportive and proud of him.  I know how hard it is, he knows how hard it is and the January start date is getting close.  So I feel that time is moving a bit to quickly and our time together is soon going to be cut in half.  I am not liking that idea one bit but it is only for a short time right?  Right!  January is a good month of us – I met Ryen on a cold January night (the 23rd to be exact) and although it feels like I have known him for so much longer, it has not quite been a year yet.  But that year is getting close – that first anniversary that will be celebrated in a big way!  He has been good to me, to us!  He has been good FOR me and changed me in ways that I am so very grateful for.  I didn’t think it was possible for someone to MAKE you a better person and yet I believe he has.  So this passing of time has been on my mind pretty heavily and I guess I just want to cherish, savor and most of all remember all these wonderful times with all the amazing people in my life.  I have not named them all of course – but I am thankful for each and every day that I have with you!  I am blessed!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!

The most important event, next to starting kindergarten, is Madi’s birthday.  We have decided to have the party at the park.  We had her first two birthdays at this park so she was all for it.  I want Madi to have a wonderful birthday.  She will 6 years old – WOW!  Chris and I talked about having the party and agreed that it would be silly to have separate parties.  I hope that everyone is able to come.  The decision to have the party at the park was in hopes that everyone would feel more comfortable attending.  I hope it works out for Madi’s sake.

In other news…we found a new home for Chloe.  Ryen and I realized that she was not happy in the back yard.  Although there is plenty of room for her to run, there is just not enough for her to do.  She is bored, she told us she wanted a farm and Ryen found her one.  We didn’t want to let her go but it is what she needed.  We received a call from the nice ladies that adopted her.  They said they turned her loose on their 6 acres, she headed for the pond, jumped in and swam with their ducks.  This made us happy and we feel we did what was best for her.  Madi is handling it ok.  She wants another dog and I decided that the answer was no.  Two is enough.  More than enough.

So back to the October discussion – I am not sure what I am going to do.  I do know that I will have a roof over my head, food to eat and a car to drive.  A job?  Things aren’t looking to good in that area and the severance pay certainly won’t last forever.  Unemployment is not something that was meant to live on so that is not a long term option.  I guess my hope at this point is that sometime between now and November the job market will pick up and I will land the job that I am supposed to have.  Until then I will keep submitting resumes and waiting for the phone to ring.  Oh and praying, I have been doing a lot of that lately.

She arrived in town late Saturday night and I got the early phone call on Sunday at 8:00 am.  “Momma, are you awake?  I am ready to come home.”  So I rolled out of bed and met my ball of energy on the front porch.  She was talking a mile a minute about 50 different things that she did in the past week.  When her Dad left she crawled in my lap on the front porch and gave me the biggest hug she has ever given me.  Having her back is good and I feel like I always do when she has been gone a few days; she has grown a lot.  She says new things and has new stories to tell. I love having her home because it never feels right without her.

I thought a lot (probably too much) about the possibility that I may not have a new job in October.  I thought about this while she was gone because when she is home I barely have the time to think.  I may not be getting a job right away and I think that is going to be ok.  I will manage and I will have more time for Madi.  Something that I have wanted for a long time.  I have missed out on a lot of things and let others do them for me.  Like picking Madi up every day from school and being there to hear about her day.  I want that and I know Madi wants that.

I have also been thinking a lot about music and how Madi used to listen to it every night, all night when she was a baby.  And she rested.  Lately she hasn’t been sleeping all that great.  I can tell she is tired when she gets up and this will only get worse when school starts.  So this weekend I bought something she has been asking for.  An early birthday present.  I bought her an iPod of her own so that she can listen to music while she is going to sleep instead of watching a movie.  Last night was the first night and boy could I tell a difference.  Maybe it was being home and comfy or maybe it was the iPod.  All I know is I woke up to find her in my bed, bright eyed, ear phones on and dancing around the bed to her favorite music.  This made me smile and right now I am smiling as I type this.

I hope that this makes her feel safe when she is drifting off to sleep.  I also hope this puts a lot of dust on the TV because she stops asking to watch it.  I would much rather hear music blaring from her room instead of some Disney movie with very little meaning.  She told me last night that she has been writing songs and I can’t wait until she learns to write.  Because the songs she has in her head are beautiful and funny, just like her.  So now I feel like I am more plugged in as a parent and Madi feels more plugged into music.  That’s not a bad thing, right?

Chris and I chose to separate over two years ago.  It was a mutual decision, one that was private at the time for reasons that will remain private.  We have maintained a more than civil relationship not only for Madi but also for ourselves.  I have no ill feelings toward the Father of my child, my former partner and I still very much consider him a friend.  I also still love him and cannot imagine a time when that love will cease.  He is a part of Madi, the love of my life, so how could I not love this man.  The man that I shared so many years of my life with.  I don’t regret a minute of the 12 years spent with him.  I am also very glad that we chose to end it when we did.  It was time, we both knew it, it wasn’t a joyful time but we have survived.

There are a few people who refuse to accept that two adults can make a decision to remain friends.  To remain friends, remain friendly towards one another seems almost ludicrous to them.  That is their choice and something I have no control over.  In the beginning I wanted to change their feelings, make them understand that everything was going to be okay.  Words have been said, stubborn people remain stubborn and I choose to move past that.  I no longer wish to change them, nor do I wish to remain entangled in their lives.  The hurt is there, how can it not hurt when you love  the ones who no longer have the same love for you?  How do you move past the harsh words that have been said when there is no conceivable reason for them to have such bitter feelings.  I did not divorce this person, I divorced a member of their family.  How do I move on?  I just do.  Sometimes you just have to push them to the outer edges and realize that they were creating a toxic environment for what matters most.  What matters most is my daughter.  If you do not support what Chris and I are trying to do for her then there is no longer a place in my daily life for you.  I have moved on.

This past week Chris and I appeared in court.  We entered together, joked about random things and retained one lawyer.  We did what we thought was best for Madi.  Not what we thought was owed to us or what we thought would be best for us.  Our joint concern is Madi and will remain that way.  The people who wish it to be different are wasting their time and really need to look at their own lives and concentrate on their own happiness.  I think that lonely, miserable people want to be surrounded by the same.  I am not lonely or miserable nor do I believe that Chris is either of those.  We are in this for Madi.  She is our world.  I am grateful that she has a loving Father and I am grateful for the way he has handled the situation.  Madi is a lucky girl who has two parents who love her more than anyone else in the world.  We have done good by her.  That will never cease.

It has not been easy, but easily the hardest thing I have gone through thus far in life.  The loss of a marriage is never a happy thing.  I have gone through every step of grieving and I am now at a place in my life that I am prepared to move on knowing that I did my best with the life tools I had at the time.  Could things have been different?  I don’t know and it’s not something I will ever be able to answer.  It is also not a question that I am seeking a solution to.  It is was it is.  Life must go on.  My life is what I choose to make it.  I have and will continue to make mistakes.  Life is all about learning and sometimes mistakes are made.  I am no longer the person (I was in the past) who dwells on the negative in life, dwelling on mistakes, the should have done, the could have done or the would have done.  I have chosen to go confidently in the directions of my dreams and live the life I have always imagined.  Not the life that someone else has imagined for me.  That was the past me, very different from the person I am today.

Life is rough around the edges and these days I choose to stay centered.  As far away from the edges that I can.  I am still very aware that they are there.  I am sometimes forced to see them but I do not have to be consumed by them.  I am stronger today than I was two years ago.  Am I happier?  Yes, I am happier and wiser inspite of the divorce but not happier because of it.  There is still sadness and I suppose that will remain forever on some level.  I choose to feel the sadness without letting it define me or my life.  That would be a great injustice to Madi.  She deserves happy parents and she has them.  She has them both – one Mother and one Father.  Two people who will never be replaced.  That fact alone can do nothing but make me smile and my heart is happy because of it.  The sadness?  Well I have pushed that out to the rough edges while I stay here in the center.  In that center is the best little girl in the entire history of the world.  Why would I want to be anywhere else?

• There is a new guy in my life (His name is Ryen – more on that later…)
• Madi got a new dog – her name is Chloe Bear and she is a Great Pyrenees
• My Dad is sick and has been in the hospital for 2 weeks
• We cooked our first turkey for Easter
• Taylor went to his first Prom and dressed like a total nerd
• Madi attended her first “Real” concert and got to see Ryen play and also went on stage with him (highlight of her night)

For those of you who know my Dad – He is holding his own and doing better than we could have ever hoped for.  He is getting stronger every day and we are all holding hope that he will make a full recovery.  I have spent the last two weeks second guessing everything I have said or not said to him.  I now know that none of that matters – he is with us now and I am taking every opportunity to tell him all those things, that for over 48 hours, I never thought I would have the chance to say again.

I know that you have all heard this at some point in your life – Don’t take things for granted, tell the people in your life that you love them, spend time with the ones you love – quality time.  We truly do not know how long we have on this earth and the last thing you want is to be standing next to a hospital bed wishing you had said something or done something differently.  It is a hopeless and lonely feeling, one that can be prevented by slowing down and enjoying the friends and family around you.

Check out the Flickr badge on the right for the newest pictures of the family.  Love to you all!

I would say it has been the most relaxing weekend that I have had in sometime. It always seems that I have a list of a million things to do every weekend and because of that list and the pressure of so many things, nothing on the list gets accomplished.

So last week I had an idea of what I wanted to get done. I thought about how nice it would be to spend some quiet time in the house. Listen to some good music at home, wrap Christmas presents and maybe have some time to clear some of the clutter out of my life. You know, the pair of pants in the closet that I have never liked, the clothes that Madi was too big for LAST year and just the general stuff that multiplies as the weeks pass by. Before you know it they just become permanent fixtures in your life. This time of year is when I really start to notice those things. Mainly because we have a much smaller home and the thought of bringing in a 6 foot Christmas tree is a little daunting.

Things have to be rearranged and to do that you must get rid of something or more like several somethings. So that is what I did this weekend. I started to clear out the unwanted, the don’t have room for it anymore and the why the heck did I buy this – things. It felt good! It felt damn good! That made bringing in the tree so much more exciting. So much more festive than our 3 1/2 foot tree I put up last year. The new tree reminds me of my childhood for some strange reason and last night I sat on the couch, turned off all the lights, turned on the tree and promptly fell asleep on the couch. I did this when I was little and I even remember begging my mom to let me sleep under the tree in a sleeping bag. She said there was no way she was going to let me sleep under a tree. And I thought about this question last night. If Madi asked the same question I would say yes and I would even join her!

Since Madi was visiting family with Chris, I was able to be a little more productive.  I was able to throw some things out, donate some items and just generally have some quiet time. I rearranged the living room to make room for the tree. Put it together (yes I am a very big fan of artificial trees) and plugged in the lights. I couldn’t decorate it without Madi and wouldn’t dare think of it. Okay…I did think of it once or twice because oh my gosh I have Christmas spirit. I am shocked really. I am truly thrilled about the holidays! I can’t wait for Madi to come home tonight and see what I have done with the house. I have the ornaments out and ready to be put on the tree. I have our obnoxious singing Christmas tree on the end table and Christmas candles ready to be lit.

The most amazing thing is I am actually putting lights and decorations outside this year and every year from this point on. I look out my side window while relaxing on my couch and see my neighbors spectacular Christmas display and it makes me smile. It makes me happy when I think about Madi’s reaction to it. She loves it! And now that the furniture is rearranged we can sit on the couch and look at it together without having to stand on each other’s heads.

This Christmas is going to be a good one. And I feel really good about the year to come. My life feels like it is back on track and this place that I am is exactly where I want to be. It is 1:30 in the afternoon and I only have a few hours before I get to see Ms. Madi’s eyes light up when she sees the house! If you are lacking Christmas spirit – hang around her for 10 minutes and just TRY to feel like the Grinch, you can’t do it!

Holidays are tough for me and I am certain that they will get harder as the years go on.  I don’t have a lot contact with my own family and it seems that I have lost the connection with your dad’s family except for the occasional email or phone call to check on you.  Don’t get me wrong, I knew in the back of my mind that it would end up this way but I fought it hard and tried to make it different.  But the fact is when you leave your significant other, you are also leaving his family as well.  I didn’t feel this in my heart but I believe this is what they felt and I can’t change those feelings for them.

I have made some great friends, lost some great friends in the divorce.  But maybe they were never really my friends to begin with.  More like friends by default.  And I guess the same could be said of in-laws.  They are only family by default and when the marriage is over the family leaves with the marriage.  I never expected it to be THIS way but it is what it is.  I will always love all of them including your dad.  I will always love and respect him for what he is – Your wonderful, amazing, crazy, loving dad.
I miss you today and I long to be with you tomorrow.  I know you will have a wonderful time at the big 4th of July bash that your dad is having and I only wish I could be there to see it.  I miss things in your life as does your dad but for a Mom I believe it is much different.  I will most likely not have a good weekend, my thoughts will be with you Madi and I am not good at multi-tasking.

I am going to the lake this weekend but my heart will be with you.  I miss you.  I hope you don’t miss me the way I miss you because it hurts my heart and I don’t want that feeling for you.  I can’t wait until Sunday morning when I will be picking you up.  This house is empty without you, silent and empty.  You fill our home with noise, smiles, your constant talking and questions.  But most of all you fill our home with love and I need you with me.

Happy 4th of July Madi – I hope your day is filled with family, friends and most of all LOVE.  I hope you wear a jacket if it is cold, I hope you use bug spray and I hope you are safe.  I wish I could be there to make sure you have all of those things.  Most of all I wish I had you on my lap snuggled in a blanket watching the fireworks.  I will be thinking of you when I look into the sky.  I love you Miss Madikens!
Love,

Momma

Memorial Day

Originally uploaded by CrazyForHer

Madi and I went for a bike ride in Sequiota Park on Memorial Day. It was not a great success. Madi has her little bike with training wheels and she just couldn’t keep it on the narrow bike trail. There were a ton of families out for the day and we were causing all kinds of problems on the trail. The last one being a bike wreck where I had to throw myself in front of Madi’s bike to keep her from riding off into the flowing creek. We both fell to the ground and we both scraped our legs in the exact same spot. We decided that enough was enough so we headed back to the truck, loaded our bikes and headed for the caves. And this is where Madi was attacked by the notorious Momma Bear who had just awoke from a long Winters nap. Hello Summer, we have missed you!