Crazy For Her…

Regarding 2009

To Whom it May concern:

I am not sure if this is the correct department (do years have departments) or if I should address the months separately voicing my specific complaints for said month.  If that is the case, please make copies and pass out to the other months, most of you sucked so badly I feel you owe me that much.  I have several issues with you and was told by your older brother 2010, that I should contact you with a list of complaints and then move on.  Because 2010 has assured me that it is going to be better.  All the months are planned out with FUN moments and I have been assured that I won’t remember the bad moments you gave me by the time June rolls around.  June has some big plans for me so you can suck it June 2009.

2010 is all about lists – Life lists, to-do lists, packing lists, things I will need for that photography class list etc. So twenty-Ten (he likes to be called that, Yo!) suggested I purge my list of bad things you did to me.  Yes I am still talking to you 2009!  So here goes, take note of my complaints and do with them what you will.  Which I have been warned is probably going to be NOTHING because you are retired now and why would you care that you provided anyone bad yearly services?  Hopefully you won’t get all catty by chasing twenty-ten around claiming that I need to repeat some of these things because I didn’t do them right the first time or some crazy shit like that.

2009 “You did me wrong” list:

My Dad was very sick during most of your watch and suddenly your brother comes along and he si doing better.  I find this suspicious.

Chris and I had been separated and it just so happens that our divorce was final in 2009.  It is only fitting since you provided a lot of unhappy times maybe it was a theme year and you forgot to tell everyone else.

I met Ryen at the beginning (the one good thing you had going for you) and it was almost like you decided that meeting Ryen was such a great thing I shouldn’t be allowed anything else of the good karma variety in 09.  Whatever 2009 – we are still together and 2010 is taking us to a weekend getaway which is something you could never manage to do during the entire 12 months you were calling the shots.  There were plenty of chances but you came up short every single time.  Shame on you for not trying harder.

Laid off from my all time favorite job.

Laying off my friends which in turn caused great concern for those friends.  I lost sleep over this 2009 – you disgust me!

Finding me the best job in the pay area only to find out that I am working with robots.  Do you have any idea what this is like?  Imagine working in a building with hundreds of people, none of those people have personalities which mean they never talk to you unless it is work related and they don’t get me or my sense of humor.  This is a problem.  I complained about this and YOU 2009, did nothing to fix it but 2010 has already improved the situation to a point that it is now tolerable and dare I say I like my job.  And yet you couldn’t make it tolerable enough to get me through a week without tearful moments.  Are you proud of yourself?  Do you like to make children cry too?  How can you sleep at night?

Well none of that matters does it 2009?  I ended this contract and moved on.  Couldn’t have come at a better time.  Of  course I haven’t done my taxes yet but after that, I mean it, WE ARE OVER!

PS – 2010 says that your brother 2008 was way better than you and I have to agree.  I mean come on – YOU KILLED THE KING OF POP!

Good-bye 2009 ~ You were really no more than a one night stand that ended up forwarding your mail to my house without my knowing it.  By the time I realized how bad you were for me it was too late so I was stuck with you until your (much cuter) older brother showed up to haul your ass to the archives where you belonged all along.  I do feel a little bad for you though.  It seems that your younger brother 2008 made off with all your money and that does excuse some of your mistakes but lets face it – you really screwed up when you messed with my Dad.  Don’t let your older brother make the same mistake.  I won’t be this nice next time around.

I have great respect for technology and how far we have come in ten plus years.  I think back to my first day of college in the late 90’s, walking into the lab for the first time and I was immediately overwhelmed.  In my high school days I never touched a computer, as a matter of fact I didn’t touch a computer until a few months before I started community college to become a computer programmer.  I bought my first home computer and I was hooked.  That 56K modem was lightening fast and I had the world at my fingertips.  I remember being terrified at first but I caught on quickly and soon wanted to learn more.  That meant taking classes and since I knew all along that I wanted a degree, I chose a technology field because the market was booming and I felt confident I could make a good living.  It would be a good return on the huge investment I was about to make.  My feelings have changed over the years about my career choice but I am still confident that it has been a good investment in my future.  The job market these days are rough for everyone but I think technology has been hit the hardest.  I am sure there are a lot of reasons for this, personally I think my field of work is saturated with unemployed workers with years of experience.  Behind those years of experience sits a degree that is likely not being used, much like my degree.  I am not saying that college was worthless, very much the opposite but I have not programmed a single thing since graduating.  The fact that I was attending college in the technology arena landed me the job I needed to start my career.  That job lasted a very long and at times, agonizing 8+ years.

The first 3 years of those 8 were good times.  I was learning at such a fast pace that my mind was constantly moving and I was thrilled to be where I was.  Those first few years I was able to travel and see things I would have never had the chance to otherwise.  I found out what it meant to network with human beings and I used that to my advantage gaining life long contacts.  These contacts have helped me numerous times over the years and I credit a few of them for saving my ass on more than one occasion.  Fast forward a couple of years and 2 IT directors later, things started fading fast, mainly the budget.  I could have lived with that but then there was a promotion from within the department and that IT director would leave a trail of knowledgeable, well rounded, morally sound co-workers  fighting for their careers and what must have felt like fighting for their lives.  Being on the other side and watching this, no choice but to watch if you wanted to keep your position and your livelihood was the beginning of the end for me.

I understand the need to restructure departments, promote workers for their talent, demote workers when they are over their heads but this is not what I am speaking of.  I am talking about cut-throat, back stabbing, immoral practices for personal advancement.  When you know that your director got to where she is by doing things that most people wouldn’t dream of doing, she did them with a smile on her face.  And for the next few years it got worse.  And I have seen things that I will carry with me as a lesson for the rest of my working days.  Sort of a code that I live by in the workplace.  Things that I stay away from to ensure that I don’t end up with a cold hardened heart that I can only guess that a person would need to carry out such devious plans.  Some would call this normal office politics and if you do then you have not been where I have been and you have not seen the things that I have seen.  Your head would spin right off your shoulders as mine did nearly every day that I was a witness to it.

I have no fear of writing these things on the Internet because that bridge was burning long before I put in my resignation.  I knew that if I didn’t leave, I would be fired and I would be hard pressed to find an IT position ever again.  She would have made certain of it.  So I left before she had the pleasure of ruining my career.  This is the kind of person who loves to go down the discipline plan at a painfully slow rate just so she can witness the pain it causes in the persons life.  She also find pleasure in firing people but that is a quick and easy task for her, she prefers the long and painful road – watch them squirm – that makes her day, week, month or year.  Depending on how long she decides to play with their lives.  It is fun for her.  Probably the only enjoyment that she gets out of the job as far as I can tell.  I never saw any pleasure from her teams successes and there were many.  We were a great team inspite of a bad leader.  We just had to make sure that she looked good and boy did she!  She took all the credit from upper management and we gave credit to each other.  We celebrated our successes quietly amongst our team and that was more than enough to keep our spirits up.  That is as long as she left us alone.  She always had one person in her cross hairs and everyone prayed that it wouldn’t be them, please don’t let me be the one this week, month. or year.  I was a big target for her because I took over her old position when she was promoted.  This is a person who gave me a chance as a college student, mentored me and later she would be the one that almost drove me mad.  Maybe someday I will write in more detail but let’s just say that in her eyes I could never do the job as well as she did.  First of all she wouldn’t allow it.  She always made sure that everyone knew how much better it was when she was manager.  Second of all, the evil in her found great enjoyment in setting me up for failure.  Something she did often and will no mercy what so ever.  She is above the law so to speak and can do or say what she wants.  I got the hell out of dodge before she ruined me but not before I got the lesson and for that I am thankful.  I am thankful to her for showing me what NOT to do.

I can’t tell you how hard it was to leave that company.  Those people were my family no matter if I liked all of them or not.  They were family and it was safe.  I  knew my job inside and out but it was way past time to go.  My next job would prove to be yet another lesson in life.  One of those lessons that you don’t want to learn but God has wheel so just shut up and let him drive.  He has gotten you this far hasn’t he?  My new job was a dream!  I immediately fit in, I was traveling again, meeting new people and learning.  Oh my was I ever learning.  Starting a major conversion and I was new to the team with fresh ideas and life was grand.  My co-workers and I joked about how good we had it and good things don’t last.  We didn’t realize how right we were until almost 2 years later.  For the first time in my entire working life I was being laid off.  They were talking severance pay and unemployment benefits while my mind glazed over.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so certain that this job, this glorious job was my reward for living in pure hell for 8 years.  That somehow I would turn old and grey and would retire from this little piece of heaven.  It wasn’t in the plan.  No, the plan was severance pay and 10 weeks to look for another job when the economy was at an all time low.  When I say an all time low, I am only speaking personally – things have been much worse for the older generation.  For me this was the worst I had seen it.  The thought of being without work was unfathomable to me.  I had not been without a job since the day I turned 16 and started at Burger King.  How could this be?  Why was this happening?  Those questions were never answered and I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I was shell shocked and so were my co-workers.  For the most part we were all being laid off.  Some were asked to move to St. Louis but that was not an option for me.  There was NO way I was leaving Madi and there was NO way that I was taking her that far away from her Dad.  The subject was not even talked about.  I said no as soon as the question was raised, I didn’t need to think about it.  What I did need to think about was how the hell I was going to pay the mortgage.  I knew I could last about 2 months without a job but I didn’t want to be in a position to stretch my money as far as it would go.  I needed a job and I needed one fast.  Long story short – I spent my remaining days sending out resume after resume.  If I had to guess how many I sent in total, the number reaches close to fifty.  I applied for everything and I was willing to work at McDonalds if I didn’t hear something soon.

I got one single interview out of ALL those applications.  That one interview landed me a job as a Tech Coordinator for one of the top 10 CPA firms.  Great pay, great benefits and a brand new building to move into.  I sit here this morning and I feel fortunate.  I feel like someone is watching out for me.  Things work out for me somehow and I am not always quick to recognize that.  But this morning, on Christmas Eve, I am grateful, I am more than grateful – I feel like I am protected by people that are here with me and those that I cannot see.  I know that God is watching over me – there is no other explanation.  I don’t believe that it is luck.  I am not even sure what luck is, although I use the term a lot.  We say “Your so lucky, were so lucky, she/he has the best luck” but it has to be more than that I believe.  Just when I think things are going to be bad, their going to be rough or I might not make it out of this one unscathed – I am provided with opportunities and I am given choices that will turn things around.  For this I am grateful.  So on this Christmas Eve I sit at my desk to tell all of you that I am not a lucky girl – I am one VERY THANKFUL girl.  Whoever is out there listening, I hope that someone is watching over you, I hope you are surrounded by friends and family that love you.  Those are the two things that have gotten me through the trials this year.  The Lord above and my friends and family who have rallied around me, who have told me that it will be ok.  And it is more than ok.  It is fantastic.  My life is just how it should be!  And I am surrounding myself with people who truly care for my well being.  I wish I had known years ago what I know now.

This last part is for Ryen and Madi.  I can’t think of a better way to spend a day than to spend it with the two of you.  No matter where we are or what we do you both bring so much to my life.  Ryen – you are the kindest person I have ever met.  You love me like no other and I never have to wonder what your intentions are.  The fact that you truly love me and care about me is so very clear to me and everyone around us.  I can’t imagine, nor do I want to, imagine my life without you in it.  This has been a rough year but you have never left my side.  I have never been with someone who is so emotionally connected to what is going on in my life.  We truly went through these rough times TOGETHER, side by side.  I never once felt like I was alone.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Aren’t you glad to know that this coming year will be so much better?  I love you!

Madi – you are and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I thought that as a parent I would be the teacher but you prove me wrong every day by teaching me lesson after lesson.  I know this year has been rough on you too and I would have liked to have kept all the bad things from reaching you but you wouldn’t have it.  You had to be involved – you are too smart for me sometimes.  You knew about the layoff and you prayed for me and encouraged me but most of all you believed in me.  You told me day after day “Mom, I know you are going to get that job and it’s going to be awesome.”  Those are powerful words Madi and they worked wonders for my confidence.  Just hearing you say it made me believe that they were true.  In the end, you were right.  Thank you Madi for being such a great little girl.  I am supposed to be comforting and caring for you – I hope I am doing a good job.  Because sometimes it is hard to tell who is doing the work around here.  I think the best explanation would be that all three of us are doing the work and we seem to be a pretty good team.  Thanks for looking out for me baby girl.  Your the best!

Well you just came down the stairs Madi – your internal clock never lets you down.  You get that from your Dad.  You know it is not a school day so your body says “Let’s rock-n-roll – Get this party started!”  While my body says “Let’s curl up in bed, watch cartoons and nap until at least 10 am”.

Merry Christmas everyone!  I pray that God blesses your family the way he has blessed mine.  PS – No time for proof reading so please forgive the typos and grammar. 

The years that I attended college I was unaware of any social networking sites outside the normal dating sites.  Sites like MySpace, Facebook and Twitter were unknown to me.  For this I am thankful as I think of all the time I waste these days updating sites that all my “friends” are members of.  I would have likely flunked out of school while spending countless hours updating my status instead of doing homework.  It has been 12 years since that first day of college and I felt that getting my degree was the last step towards adulthood.

It’s ironic now that I think about it.  Being a part of social networking in 2009 reminds me of how far we have yet to go.  There are more instances of immaturity, cliques and just plain high school bullshit that exists now than ever before.  As hard as I try to stay away from it, I too am guilty of getting involved in said BS.  The last few weeks are a prime example of such activity.  And while I am not the subject, I have definately been a participant in the discussion.  Often times finding myself trying to debate with people who clearly do not have an IQ level that enables them to be a constructive participant.  But participate they do and there is nothing stopping them.  What am I speaking of, you may ask?  For those of you who are aware of the drama, all I have to say is Dooce and you will say “Ah.  Yes, of course.  That.”

For those of you who don’t know Dooce or her opponents on the web, let me fill you in.  Not everyone likes Dooce, no big surprise there.  She is successful, which puts her in the spotlight and she often writes for the sheer purpose to strike a nerve.  Or so it seems to me.  I have my opionion as do a million others.  You don’t have to agree with what people write but some don’t let it end there.  They feel so much hatred for her that they create sites dedicated to hating her.  Am I the only one that finds this crazy or NUTTY as someone accused me of being?  That’s right.  I was told that I was nutty just because I disagreed with a person’s point of view.  There are a few sites that I will mention, feel free to visit but beware on commenting.  They will more than likely hate you instantly if you disagree or mention that you read Dooce.

There is one site, Renegade Moms, who have a page dedicated to Heather Armstrong.  As if that is not enough, they mention her in nearly every post no matter what the topic may be.  The deny this of course, stating that only a small percent of their posts mention her.  I have been to the site, I include the comments as being part of the post and I have found only 2 or 3 that don’t mention her name in the comments and that is because the post was actually a decent one with only one or two comments.  Go figure.

Another site to mention is PoopOnPeeps.  Nice name, eh?  To save you from the pain of visiting I will give you the run down.  This site mentions Heather Armstrong, her husband Jon and their children in nearly every post.  If they are not mentioned in the post, they will definitely be mentioned time, after time, after time in every other comment on said post.  Although sometimes she runs out of unique (mean) things to say about Dooce and chooses another in her list of  “Blogs that I hate and the people that own them” or is it “The people I hate and the blogs that they own”.  A few on the list are Pioneer Woman, Lucky 13 and Counting, Mighty Girl, Suburban Bliss and the list goes on**.  You can add to that list, all the people that support the people that she hates.  What does this sound like to you?

To me it is pure and simple elementary school bullies at their worst.  Let me quote a few of the comments made on these sites to give you an idea of the issue at hand (by other people who evidently share the same level of hate and also replies made by blog owner*):

Example comments from Renegade Moms and Poop on Peeps (I will keep them random so no one will no for sure which site the comment was posted unless they are mentioned in the comment itself.  Also, I don’t want to put that much effort into spreading more of the hate.  That is not the point of this post, so just hang in there with me for a moment or two.)

Example comment #1:

I just always felt alone in my dislike of Douche before I found this blog. You see so much ass kissing from her rabid fans and other bloggers all wanting a piece of the crazy train glory. And you’re thinking to yourself “Damn she’s nuts and no one sees this?” But I guess a lot people will read anything if they think it’s “in” and if maybe they can get a link on the great and powerful Douche’s blog. Idiots. After finding this site, I was just thankful there’s free thinking people that aren’t Douche drones out there! And it’s fun as hell to snark on the loon! LOL! Ohhh,I must be jealous..LMAO! She’s so fantastically awesome everyone wants to be her!! Blech.

Funny how her fans say they come here once, leave a comment like “HOW DARE YOU JEALOUS PEOPLE ACT LIKE THIS- I AM NEVER COMING BACK!” And you KNOW they’re here everyday! LOL!!

Example #2

Heather Armstrong is a FUGLY individual – both inside and out. My Lord, have you seen her new lesbian haircut? And she has the ego to try and say she looks like Michelle Williams? HAHA! Hysterical. She looks like an albino transvestite with a Dutch-boy haircut.

What is sad is that Heather used to actually have some writing skill. I think, in a lot of ways, she still possesses that skill. The problem is that she has Kate Gosselin syndrome and thinks that the world owes something to her and that she is some sort of celebrity. The truth is – no one really gives a shit – and the ones who do just want to kiss the Great Douche’s ass and get their blog address printed on her site.

I would love to see Douche pooping her panties now that blog owners are required by law to state that they are being paid for promoting products on their site. I don’t believe for one second that half the shit that Douchebag puts on her site is because she just loves it. She is paid for every little morsel of bullshit she puts on that site.

I love your site, Chickenliver, and I love Douche’s monetizing the hate section. Sure, I am giving her a page view – sure, that is loading her already full pockets. But I just love to read all the other like-minded individuals who think she is a total tool.

Example #3

I just don’t understand why Heather acts like she is the only person in the world to ever have had a child. Instead of doing a google search to see if a product exists to keep little legs out of crib slats, she feels the need to snowball into melodrama.

I don’t know what’s sadder, Heather’s exasperation over a common parenting issue, or the fact that her commenters lap it up.

I guess in Dooce land it’s easier to wish a developmental disorder on a healthy child than to actually do 5 minutes of research.

Oh, and Dooce: No pasting this comment to your site.

Example #4

What strikes me as interesting in this whole Monetizing the Hate/Love thing is that the comments/emails published on Monetizing the Hate make me laugh and sound insane and pathetic, but when Iread the stuff on here, I don’t laugh, or think that the people writing it are angry, judgemental assholes…I can’t help but agree with them in their defense of Heather and they condemnation of you “Renegade Moms.”
This is so low, so junior high, so sad. Why don’t you understand how small this makes you look? Do you not have a little voice in the back of your head saying “well, this is a *little* cruel, maybe…”??? I couldn’t live with myself, or sleep through the night, if I knew I had made a website or posted something publicly that tore apart someone else. Tell me, how do you do it?

Example #5

Left Coast Cowboys website – I just happened upon this site tonight while doing a little research for this post.  I want to make sure I have all my information correct because I am certain I will be blasted if anyone from either side of the camp happens upon my site.  The site listed above has at least one entire post dedicated to disliking Dooce.  From what I could gater it is solely because of a bathroom remodel.  WTH?  Seriously?  Yes.

You are probably asking yourself, what is all this about?  Well it started with this post from dooce.  Here is an excerpt:

“And I’m sitting there feeding Marlo, my abdomen wrapped in a bandage SO THAT I DON’T GIVE HER CHICKEN POX, and I’m reading an anonymous comment calling me an asshead, and suddenly I remember that conversation I had with Heather. And I’m like, you know what? I’m going to let that anonymous comment help pay for the therapy that Leta is so desperately going to need once she finds out what awful things I’ve said about her on my website.

Internet, let me introduce you to Monetizing The Hate.

Here I will be posting all the hate mail I get in my inbox and all the hateful anonymous and not-so-anonymous comments left on this website. And let me tell you, it is a hoot! And the money? OH THE MONEY! I am going to roll around naked in all that money! Because that’s what assheads do!”

The first time I read the monetizing the hate site I was amused.  My amusement soon turned to shock and dismay.  Then it became plain depressing when I followed the links from google to some of the sites that contain the above comments.  Those sites are disturbing to say the least.  They are also a good lesson in social class.  They are full of sterotypes, uneducated people, educated but unhappy people, schoolyard bullies and as much as they deny it, jealous people.  So what can be done about Internet bullies?  Is Heathers hate site the answer?***  This discussion will be continued, so until next time…if you can’t say anything nice, say nothing at all.

*If you see any errors in my copied and pasted content, please email me @ nooneisperfect@neitherareyou.com

**I will edit as I see the list change.  I think it will change often as they run out of nasty things to say about these sites.

***At the time of this writing the Dooce hate site is currently unavailable.  There is a possibility that she took the site down.  Lawsuits?

I have just done something on a whim.  Not something I usually do.  I don’t typically just sign up for things based on a “feeling”.  But I did just that today and it cost me some money which I don’t have a lot of right now.  I have been following several blogs for years now.  Some of them are on my side bar and I check them daily.  Others are sites that I visit when I am in the mood for some inspiration.  And boy could I use some inspiration right now.

I am being laid off in October.  The job market is scarce and I am thinking of doing something different.  I am just not sure what that is right now.  Nothing like waiting until the last minute, right?  I wasn’t given much of a choice, it was move to another city or move to another job.

So today in between looking for employment and doing the job I am being paid to do, I visited one of my favorite sites.  The blog is written by someone named Maggie Mason.  I have never met her but I envision that she is someone you can’t help but like and you would probably want to touch her hair.  Damn it, she has perfect hair.  She always writes about the positive, the inspiring and she writes a lot about living your dream life.  She is also a phenomenal writer which is something I would love to be someday.  So today while visiting her site she mentioned an online course she is taking.  I clicked on the link, realized that the class starts the day after I am being laid off.  Hmmm…was it meant to be?  I signed up, paid and I am now registered for the class.  I am excited about this.  I can’t wait to be laid off!  {enter sarcasm warning here}

As promised, I am back today to be honest about why this blog has been so sporadic over the last two years.  The reason for such vague writings is the struggle that I go through regarding what is appropriate for this site and how it will effect Madi.  I have thought long and hard about where the line should be.  The truth is, there are few people, if any, that actually read this site.  And if there are people reading they have remained silent thus far.  I came to the decision that I want this journal/blog/record of my life and Madi’s; I want it to be honest.  Of course there are things that should be kept private and then there are things that everyone already knows so why should I remain silent about them?  For me, this blog has been missed.  I have wanted to turn to it so many times.  My outlet for feelings that cannot be voiced but instead, easily written.  I wasn’t in a place in life that I was comfortable doing that.  The last thing I wanted was to hurt those I love.  Now I feel it is time to break the silence and be honest about my life.  Grow and learn from it.  Write it down and learn from it.  Read it every now and then to remind myself of how far I have come and how much I have grown as a person and a Mother.  I am no longer a wife.  Wow, the first time those words have been written by me.

Chris and I chose to separate over two years ago.  It was a mutual decision, one that was private at the time for reasons that will remain private.  We have maintained a more than civil relationship not only for Madi but also for ourselves.  I have no ill feelings toward the Father of my child, my former partner and I still very much consider him a friend.  I also still love him and cannot imagine a time when that love will cease.  He is a part of Madi, the love of my life, so how could I not love this man.  The man that I shared so many years of my life with.  I don’t regret a minute of the 12 years spent with him.  I am also very glad that we chose to end it when we did.  It was time, we both knew it, it wasn’t a joyful time but we have survived.

There are a few people who refuse to accept that two adults can make a decision to remain friends.  To remain friends, remain friendly towards one another seems almost ludicrous to them.  That is their choice and something I have no control over.  In the beginning I wanted to change their feelings, make them understand that everything was going to be okay.  Words have been said, stubborn people remain stubborn and I choose to move past that.  I no longer wish to change them, nor do I wish to remain entangled in their lives.  The hurt is there, how can it not hurt when you love  the ones who no longer have the same love for you?  How do you move past the harsh words that have been said when there is no conceivable reason for them to have such bitter feelings.  I did not divorce this person, I divorced a member of their family.  How do I move on?  I just do.  Sometimes you just have to push them to the outer edges and realize that they were creating a toxic environment for what matters most.  What matters most is my daughter.  If you do not support what Chris and I are trying to do for her then there is no longer a place in my daily life for you.  I have moved on.

This past week Chris and I appeared in court.  We entered together, joked about random things and retained one lawyer.  We did what we thought was best for Madi.  Not what we thought was owed to us or what we thought would be best for us.  Our joint concern is Madi and will remain that way.  The people who wish it to be different are wasting their time and really need to look at their own lives and concentrate on their own happiness.  I think that lonely, miserable people want to be surrounded by the same.  I am not lonely or miserable nor do I believe that Chris is either of those.  We are in this for Madi.  She is our world.  I am grateful that she has a loving Father and I am grateful for the way he has handled the situation.  Madi is a lucky girl who has two parents who love her more than anyone else in the world.  We have done good by her.  That will never cease.

It has not been easy, but easily the hardest thing I have gone through thus far in life.  The loss of a marriage is never a happy thing.  I have gone through every step of grieving and I am now at a place in my life that I am prepared to move on knowing that I did my best with the life tools I had at the time.  Could things have been different?  I don’t know and it’s not something I will ever be able to answer.  It is also not a question that I am seeking a solution to.  It is was it is.  Life must go on.  My life is what I choose to make it.  I have and will continue to make mistakes.  Life is all about learning and sometimes mistakes are made.  I am no longer the person (I was in the past) who dwells on the negative in life, dwelling on mistakes, the should have done, the could have done or the would have done.  I have chosen to go confidently in the directions of my dreams and live the life I have always imagined.  Not the life that someone else has imagined for me.  That was the past me, very different from the person I am today.

Life is rough around the edges and these days I choose to stay centered.  As far away from the edges that I can.  I am still very aware that they are there.  I am sometimes forced to see them but I do not have to be consumed by them.  I am stronger today than I was two years ago.  Am I happier?  Yes, I am happier and wiser inspite of the divorce but not happier because of it.  There is still sadness and I suppose that will remain forever on some level.  I choose to feel the sadness without letting it define me or my life.  That would be a great injustice to Madi.  She deserves happy parents and she has them.  She has them both – one Mother and one Father.  Two people who will never be replaced.  That fact alone can do nothing but make me smile and my heart is happy because of it.  The sadness?  Well I have pushed that out to the rough edges while I stay here in the center.  In that center is the best little girl in the entire history of the world.  Why would I want to be anywhere else?