Crazy For Her…

Madi is feverish and I am too but not the same sort.  She has a real fever and I have the kind where you dream of being outside in the sunshine that decided to show itself for the first time in I don’t know when.  So we are staying inside on a nice day so that she can break her fever.  I ran to the  movie store and grabbed 6 movies, Ryen ran to Subway to get a quick dinner for all of us and we will stay inside and hope that tomorrow the fever is gone.  The weekend is supposed to be really nice and I had ideas of frolicking in the sunshine, camera in hand.  I don’t think it is happening and that is ok.  That is what we do as parents, right?  We say its okay because they are more important and there is nothing worse than watching your child hurt.

But one thing we have to do tomorrow (unless she is running a fever) is get glasses.  Both of us – Me and Madi.  I know I need glasses and I haven’t even had my eyes checked yet.  I am getting old indeed.  My eyesight is causing horrible headaches that make me pray for permanent darkness to make the pain go away.  I am hoping the glasses help.  Ryen is REALLY hoping the glasses help.  I know he is just as sick of them as I am.  He is patient but he hates seeing me in pain and I hate ruining everyone’s day/night/weekend.  Madi needs glasses to read.  I knew this last year when I had her eyes checked but the Optometrist suggested I wait another year before spending the money on lenses because he knew her eyesight would change (get worse?) and he didn’t want me to spend the money and have to return in 6 months for new lenses.  So we are getting glasses.  The three of us will be wearing glasses.  A family of four eyes!  Yippppeee! 

And because Madi’s fever required lots of attention, I am sort of spent.  So I am ending this post with a simple YIPPPEEE~!  SUBWAY SANDWICHES are here!  I am hungry, so let’s eat.  Sorry, I didn’t get enough for the internet but YUM – It smells so good.  It’s the little things people!  I hope your weekend is filled with sunshine and regular bodily temperatures.

I wasn’t sure what that meant until Taylor educated me.  That was only part of the education I received but we won’t go into the rest of that.  I am throwin’ it up hard because Senior Pictures are done.  Finished.  So this is me saying “You did it Taylor.  You are about to enter the next chapter in your life.  I hope it will be everything you imagined and more!”

Regarding 2009

To Whom it May concern:

I am not sure if this is the correct department (do years have departments) or if I should address the months separately voicing my specific complaints for said month.  If that is the case, please make copies and pass out to the other months, most of you sucked so badly I feel you owe me that much.  I have several issues with you and was told by your older brother 2010, that I should contact you with a list of complaints and then move on.  Because 2010 has assured me that it is going to be better.  All the months are planned out with FUN moments and I have been assured that I won’t remember the bad moments you gave me by the time June rolls around.  June has some big plans for me so you can suck it June 2009.

2010 is all about lists – Life lists, to-do lists, packing lists, things I will need for that photography class list etc. So twenty-Ten (he likes to be called that, Yo!) suggested I purge my list of bad things you did to me.  Yes I am still talking to you 2009!  So here goes, take note of my complaints and do with them what you will.  Which I have been warned is probably going to be NOTHING because you are retired now and why would you care that you provided anyone bad yearly services?  Hopefully you won’t get all catty by chasing twenty-ten around claiming that I need to repeat some of these things because I didn’t do them right the first time or some crazy shit like that.

2009 “You did me wrong” list:

My Dad was very sick during most of your watch and suddenly your brother comes along and he si doing better.  I find this suspicious.

Chris and I had been separated and it just so happens that our divorce was final in 2009.  It is only fitting since you provided a lot of unhappy times maybe it was a theme year and you forgot to tell everyone else.

I met Ryen at the beginning (the one good thing you had going for you) and it was almost like you decided that meeting Ryen was such a great thing I shouldn’t be allowed anything else of the good karma variety in 09.  Whatever 2009 – we are still together and 2010 is taking us to a weekend getaway which is something you could never manage to do during the entire 12 months you were calling the shots.  There were plenty of chances but you came up short every single time.  Shame on you for not trying harder.

Laid off from my all time favorite job.

Laying off my friends which in turn caused great concern for those friends.  I lost sleep over this 2009 – you disgust me!

Finding me the best job in the pay area only to find out that I am working with robots.  Do you have any idea what this is like?  Imagine working in a building with hundreds of people, none of those people have personalities which mean they never talk to you unless it is work related and they don’t get me or my sense of humor.  This is a problem.  I complained about this and YOU 2009, did nothing to fix it but 2010 has already improved the situation to a point that it is now tolerable and dare I say I like my job.  And yet you couldn’t make it tolerable enough to get me through a week without tearful moments.  Are you proud of yourself?  Do you like to make children cry too?  How can you sleep at night?

Well none of that matters does it 2009?  I ended this contract and moved on.  Couldn’t have come at a better time.  Of  course I haven’t done my taxes yet but after that, I mean it, WE ARE OVER!

PS – 2010 says that your brother 2008 was way better than you and I have to agree.  I mean come on – YOU KILLED THE KING OF POP!

Good-bye 2009 ~ You were really no more than a one night stand that ended up forwarding your mail to my house without my knowing it.  By the time I realized how bad you were for me it was too late so I was stuck with you until your (much cuter) older brother showed up to haul your ass to the archives where you belonged all along.  I do feel a little bad for you though.  It seems that your younger brother 2008 made off with all your money and that does excuse some of your mistakes but lets face it – you really screwed up when you messed with my Dad.  Don’t let your older brother make the same mistake.  I won’t be this nice next time around.

I have great respect for technology and how far we have come in ten plus years.  I think back to my first day of college in the late 90’s, walking into the lab for the first time and I was immediately overwhelmed.  In my high school days I never touched a computer, as a matter of fact I didn’t touch a computer until a few months before I started community college to become a computer programmer.  I bought my first home computer and I was hooked.  That 56K modem was lightening fast and I had the world at my fingertips.  I remember being terrified at first but I caught on quickly and soon wanted to learn more.  That meant taking classes and since I knew all along that I wanted a degree, I chose a technology field because the market was booming and I felt confident I could make a good living.  It would be a good return on the huge investment I was about to make.  My feelings have changed over the years about my career choice but I am still confident that it has been a good investment in my future.  The job market these days are rough for everyone but I think technology has been hit the hardest.  I am sure there are a lot of reasons for this, personally I think my field of work is saturated with unemployed workers with years of experience.  Behind those years of experience sits a degree that is likely not being used, much like my degree.  I am not saying that college was worthless, very much the opposite but I have not programmed a single thing since graduating.  The fact that I was attending college in the technology arena landed me the job I needed to start my career.  That job lasted a very long and at times, agonizing 8+ years.

The first 3 years of those 8 were good times.  I was learning at such a fast pace that my mind was constantly moving and I was thrilled to be where I was.  Those first few years I was able to travel and see things I would have never had the chance to otherwise.  I found out what it meant to network with human beings and I used that to my advantage gaining life long contacts.  These contacts have helped me numerous times over the years and I credit a few of them for saving my ass on more than one occasion.  Fast forward a couple of years and 2 IT directors later, things started fading fast, mainly the budget.  I could have lived with that but then there was a promotion from within the department and that IT director would leave a trail of knowledgeable, well rounded, morally sound co-workers  fighting for their careers and what must have felt like fighting for their lives.  Being on the other side and watching this, no choice but to watch if you wanted to keep your position and your livelihood was the beginning of the end for me.

I understand the need to restructure departments, promote workers for their talent, demote workers when they are over their heads but this is not what I am speaking of.  I am talking about cut-throat, back stabbing, immoral practices for personal advancement.  When you know that your director got to where she is by doing things that most people wouldn’t dream of doing, she did them with a smile on her face.  And for the next few years it got worse.  And I have seen things that I will carry with me as a lesson for the rest of my working days.  Sort of a code that I live by in the workplace.  Things that I stay away from to ensure that I don’t end up with a cold hardened heart that I can only guess that a person would need to carry out such devious plans.  Some would call this normal office politics and if you do then you have not been where I have been and you have not seen the things that I have seen.  Your head would spin right off your shoulders as mine did nearly every day that I was a witness to it.

I have no fear of writing these things on the Internet because that bridge was burning long before I put in my resignation.  I knew that if I didn’t leave, I would be fired and I would be hard pressed to find an IT position ever again.  She would have made certain of it.  So I left before she had the pleasure of ruining my career.  This is the kind of person who loves to go down the discipline plan at a painfully slow rate just so she can witness the pain it causes in the persons life.  She also find pleasure in firing people but that is a quick and easy task for her, she prefers the long and painful road – watch them squirm – that makes her day, week, month or year.  Depending on how long she decides to play with their lives.  It is fun for her.  Probably the only enjoyment that she gets out of the job as far as I can tell.  I never saw any pleasure from her teams successes and there were many.  We were a great team inspite of a bad leader.  We just had to make sure that she looked good and boy did she!  She took all the credit from upper management and we gave credit to each other.  We celebrated our successes quietly amongst our team and that was more than enough to keep our spirits up.  That is as long as she left us alone.  She always had one person in her cross hairs and everyone prayed that it wouldn’t be them, please don’t let me be the one this week, month. or year.  I was a big target for her because I took over her old position when she was promoted.  This is a person who gave me a chance as a college student, mentored me and later she would be the one that almost drove me mad.  Maybe someday I will write in more detail but let’s just say that in her eyes I could never do the job as well as she did.  First of all she wouldn’t allow it.  She always made sure that everyone knew how much better it was when she was manager.  Second of all, the evil in her found great enjoyment in setting me up for failure.  Something she did often and will no mercy what so ever.  She is above the law so to speak and can do or say what she wants.  I got the hell out of dodge before she ruined me but not before I got the lesson and for that I am thankful.  I am thankful to her for showing me what NOT to do.

I can’t tell you how hard it was to leave that company.  Those people were my family no matter if I liked all of them or not.  They were family and it was safe.  I  knew my job inside and out but it was way past time to go.  My next job would prove to be yet another lesson in life.  One of those lessons that you don’t want to learn but God has wheel so just shut up and let him drive.  He has gotten you this far hasn’t he?  My new job was a dream!  I immediately fit in, I was traveling again, meeting new people and learning.  Oh my was I ever learning.  Starting a major conversion and I was new to the team with fresh ideas and life was grand.  My co-workers and I joked about how good we had it and good things don’t last.  We didn’t realize how right we were until almost 2 years later.  For the first time in my entire working life I was being laid off.  They were talking severance pay and unemployment benefits while my mind glazed over.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so certain that this job, this glorious job was my reward for living in pure hell for 8 years.  That somehow I would turn old and grey and would retire from this little piece of heaven.  It wasn’t in the plan.  No, the plan was severance pay and 10 weeks to look for another job when the economy was at an all time low.  When I say an all time low, I am only speaking personally – things have been much worse for the older generation.  For me this was the worst I had seen it.  The thought of being without work was unfathomable to me.  I had not been without a job since the day I turned 16 and started at Burger King.  How could this be?  Why was this happening?  Those questions were never answered and I guess it doesn’t really matter.

I was shell shocked and so were my co-workers.  For the most part we were all being laid off.  Some were asked to move to St. Louis but that was not an option for me.  There was NO way I was leaving Madi and there was NO way that I was taking her that far away from her Dad.  The subject was not even talked about.  I said no as soon as the question was raised, I didn’t need to think about it.  What I did need to think about was how the hell I was going to pay the mortgage.  I knew I could last about 2 months without a job but I didn’t want to be in a position to stretch my money as far as it would go.  I needed a job and I needed one fast.  Long story short – I spent my remaining days sending out resume after resume.  If I had to guess how many I sent in total, the number reaches close to fifty.  I applied for everything and I was willing to work at McDonalds if I didn’t hear something soon.

I got one single interview out of ALL those applications.  That one interview landed me a job as a Tech Coordinator for one of the top 10 CPA firms.  Great pay, great benefits and a brand new building to move into.  I sit here this morning and I feel fortunate.  I feel like someone is watching out for me.  Things work out for me somehow and I am not always quick to recognize that.  But this morning, on Christmas Eve, I am grateful, I am more than grateful – I feel like I am protected by people that are here with me and those that I cannot see.  I know that God is watching over me – there is no other explanation.  I don’t believe that it is luck.  I am not even sure what luck is, although I use the term a lot.  We say “Your so lucky, were so lucky, she/he has the best luck” but it has to be more than that I believe.  Just when I think things are going to be bad, their going to be rough or I might not make it out of this one unscathed – I am provided with opportunities and I am given choices that will turn things around.  For this I am grateful.  So on this Christmas Eve I sit at my desk to tell all of you that I am not a lucky girl – I am one VERY THANKFUL girl.  Whoever is out there listening, I hope that someone is watching over you, I hope you are surrounded by friends and family that love you.  Those are the two things that have gotten me through the trials this year.  The Lord above and my friends and family who have rallied around me, who have told me that it will be ok.  And it is more than ok.  It is fantastic.  My life is just how it should be!  And I am surrounding myself with people who truly care for my well being.  I wish I had known years ago what I know now.

This last part is for Ryen and Madi.  I can’t think of a better way to spend a day than to spend it with the two of you.  No matter where we are or what we do you both bring so much to my life.  Ryen – you are the kindest person I have ever met.  You love me like no other and I never have to wonder what your intentions are.  The fact that you truly love me and care about me is so very clear to me and everyone around us.  I can’t imagine, nor do I want to, imagine my life without you in it.  This has been a rough year but you have never left my side.  I have never been with someone who is so emotionally connected to what is going on in my life.  We truly went through these rough times TOGETHER, side by side.  I never once felt like I was alone.  Thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Aren’t you glad to know that this coming year will be so much better?  I love you!

Madi – you are and will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.  I thought that as a parent I would be the teacher but you prove me wrong every day by teaching me lesson after lesson.  I know this year has been rough on you too and I would have liked to have kept all the bad things from reaching you but you wouldn’t have it.  You had to be involved – you are too smart for me sometimes.  You knew about the layoff and you prayed for me and encouraged me but most of all you believed in me.  You told me day after day “Mom, I know you are going to get that job and it’s going to be awesome.”  Those are powerful words Madi and they worked wonders for my confidence.  Just hearing you say it made me believe that they were true.  In the end, you were right.  Thank you Madi for being such a great little girl.  I am supposed to be comforting and caring for you – I hope I am doing a good job.  Because sometimes it is hard to tell who is doing the work around here.  I think the best explanation would be that all three of us are doing the work and we seem to be a pretty good team.  Thanks for looking out for me baby girl.  Your the best!

Well you just came down the stairs Madi – your internal clock never lets you down.  You get that from your Dad.  You know it is not a school day so your body says “Let’s rock-n-roll – Get this party started!”  While my body says “Let’s curl up in bed, watch cartoons and nap until at least 10 am”.

Merry Christmas everyone!  I pray that God blesses your family the way he has blessed mine.  PS – No time for proof reading so please forgive the typos and grammar. 

Wow!  It’s the end of November already?  Really?  Where are the pictures of Madi in her Goth Halloween costume?  The pictures of Taylor’s last football game where we all ran onto the field in the mud and rain to celebrate?  The pictures of Ryen and Madi with the Mentos geyser, the pictures of Dexter in a dress?  Where?  Still in the camera because I had no idea that time could go so fast.  Some day I will get around to posting all of those pictures but for now I am just having fun living these moments.

This year has been good to me and I am thankful.  And since it is three days past Thanksgiving I thought it was fitting to write about how thankful I am.  A few years ago I was in a dark place, bad job, depressing to be around and just about as negative as a person can be.  ON A DAILY BASIS!  Yes, I was the girl that people avoided at parties because SHE HAS NOTHING POSITIVE TO SAY!  I was the real life Debbie Downer!  But these days are oh so much better.

Although there is a job situation that I don’t like to speak of, I have a job and for that I am thankful.  It’s a good job, salary speaking, yet that is really all there is to speak about.  It pays the bills and now let’s move on shall we.  See that?  I didn’t complain and go on and on and on about how much I….see?  I think it is meaningless to elaborate.  On to the good stuff!

Madi lost her first tooth!  And she pulled it out herself!  And when I say she lost it?  She really lost it!  Gone.  Can’t find it.  She lost it so good that it might be in an0ther state.  And then I cried.  I am not sure why but this made me cry and I mean REALLY cry.  I am getting choked up about it now so wait while I get a tissue…Sniff!  This is where I take time out to blame Chris and myself at the same time.  That seems fair.  But don’t get me wrong – this is still the good stuff.  This is what life is about.  The sad at the moment but funny in a year or two kind of moment.  Back to the story…

Chris wasn’t supposed to pick Madi up until Monday (11/23) but I got some kind of swine, feline, bovine flu and thought it was not wise to expose Madi right before Thanksgiving.  They were going to be traveling and I didn’t want to expose the entire family to whatever it was that I had.  My fault for getting sick and of course she lost her tooth on Sunday night.  She called to tell me and I was surprised because I didn’t think the tooth was leaving anytime soon.  It was loose but I thought it would hang around for a while longer.  Wrong!  So let’s mark this event right now shall we?  Madi lost her first tooth (lower right front) on Sunday November 22 at approximately 6 pm while eating a grapefruit.

Now let’s talk about Chris…just to be fair.  I begged and pleaded and reminded and pleaded while begging some more “Please don’t lose her tooth!”  And what did he do?  He up and lost her tooth.  So I picked her up tonight, squealed when I saw that little gap where her baby tooth used to be and asked to see the tooth.  I sensed some panic from both of them and I KNEW!  I KNEW THE TOOTH WAS GONE.  I knew it before they started looking.  And then I cried.

I cried because the tooth fairy does not just fly to your house for an IOU.  She needs some proof and the empty spot in your mouth is not proof enough.  I mean what is she supposed to do, pry the sleeping child awake, force her to open her mouth so she can count her teeth?  And how is she supposed to keep track of the teeth?  For all she knows you are just trying to milk another fifty cents from a tooth you lost and collected on 3 weeks ago.  Yes it is silly, I cried.  I am hoping the tooth turns up somewhere.

In other news, Taylor is 18.  An adult.  Hang on while I get another tissue.  This is weird for me and exciting and a little sad.  Bitter sweet.  He is no longer the little Tay-Tay and hasn’t been for a long time.  But to think that college is looming just around the corner makes me want to spend as much time with him as I possibly can.  I have a feeling (just a feeling) that he will be leaving, like REALLY leaving for college.  Maybe a college that is not within driving distance and I am scared.  We have been so close for so long I can’t fathom how this will change my life.  People reading this (not sure there are any people reading this, I just picture imaginary people – and they all look like Morgan Freeman), they may think that statement is strange but I am very involved in Taylor’s life.  I have to schedule my weeks with both Madi and Taylor in mind.  I do this because that is the way it has always been.  This is his last year of high school and that makes it all the more important for me to be there.  I see big things for this kid.  I am already so proud of him for who he is and what he has accomplished.  And yet I know there is so much he is going to do with his life.  He is just that kind of person.  But I know the chances are he will be preparing for that life further away from me than he has ever been.  So instead of being a Debbie Downer, I am going to drive to as many events of his that I can manage, cheer him on and hope that time slows down a little bit along the way.

I am also freaking out about the time because Ryen will be starting college soon too.  He is going back and I am supportive and proud of him.  I know how hard it is, he knows how hard it is and the January start date is getting close.  So I feel that time is moving a bit to quickly and our time together is soon going to be cut in half.  I am not liking that idea one bit but it is only for a short time right?  Right!  January is a good month of us – I met Ryen on a cold January night (the 23rd to be exact) and although it feels like I have known him for so much longer, it has not quite been a year yet.  But that year is getting close – that first anniversary that will be celebrated in a big way!  He has been good to me, to us!  He has been good FOR me and changed me in ways that I am so very grateful for.  I didn’t think it was possible for someone to MAKE you a better person and yet I believe he has.  So this passing of time has been on my mind pretty heavily and I guess I just want to cherish, savor and most of all remember all these wonderful times with all the amazing people in my life.  I have not named them all of course – but I am thankful for each and every day that I have with you!  I am blessed!

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you!