Crazy For Her…

I am not in the mood to make lemonade but what else is there to do, right?  I was laid off for the second time in a year.  Not exactly the best esteem booster.  There are good things in my life going on and I am focusing on that.  More on that later.

The people…they are the ones that keep me going everyday.  Reminding me that there is more to life.  Yes a job would be nice but it is not the end of the world.  My best friend told me that when God closes a door he opens a window.  And she is right.  The window has been opened.  I just have to figure out how to get through it.  And I will, no doubt.  Ryen has been a godsend and I have been horrible to him through all of this.  For that I am regretful.  I know he understands but it doesn’t take the hurt away.  I will find a way to make it right just as soon as I figure out how I am getting through that window.  Ryen, if you are reading this, please be patient.

Madi is the best kid ever.  And she also has an awesome Dad.  One that paid my personal property tax and offered to pay Madi’s last ER bill.  I am thankful that he is in my life and Madi’s.  Without him it would be so much harder to deal with, well, life in general.

It is 3 am, I have always taught Madi to share and I forgot to tell her to keep her colds to herself.  So now I am sick and she is thankfully better.  So I am off to bed for the 4th time tonight.  Hoping that getting some of this off of my mind will help me sleep a little better tonight.  Goodnight world…hoping tomorrow brings nothing but good things.

Love,

Lorie

I lost a friend a week ago today.  It has been hard on me emotionally and physically draining.  Those around me who were not close to him have had to watch me go through this not knowing what they can do to help.  I don’t deal with loss very well.  I guess no one really does.  I keep my emotions hidden and very closed off to those who love me.  I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve.  My grief comes out in angry bursts and is directed at those who don’t deserve it.  I am not in a position to apologize, by the time I realize I have done it, too much time has passed and the apology seems pointless to me.

I don’t know what to say about my friend.  The loss is too new, still a fresh wound that I suspect will not heal quickly.  It was not expected and I am still reeling from the surprise of it all.  I am angry.  I am very angry that he is gone.  I am angry with what I have seen in people who I thought were his friends.  My mind is filled with thoughts of my mortality and how we are all living on borrowed time whether we choose to believe that or not.  Nothing is promised to us in regards to time.  All these things are supposed to make us want to live life to the fullest.  Then why do I feel so damn hopeless?

My friend who passed used to tell me that the world was full of “f’d up people”.  I shrugged it off as one of his many negative views of society.  A result of being dealt a crappy hand for most of his adult life.  Now that he is gone, I think he is mostly right.  I am shocked and hurt by the way people reacted to his death.  The terrible things that were said and done on the night of his death make me wonder - Don’t we all have a moral compass?  And if we do – In what direction do you have to be to do such f’d up things to a dead mans grieving family?  A man whom you claimed was a friend.

I know that God is watching and he is deeply disappointed.  I know that my friend is watching and saying to me “I told you so!”.  I hope that Karma is God’s way of pointing your compass in the right direction.  Maybe righting the wrongs of the world.  I hope that my friend saw all the love and sorrow that surrounded his death.  I only know one thing for sure, he will be deeply missed by me.

Rest in peace my friend.  Some day we will surely meet again. <3

Madi is feverish and I am too but not the same sort.  She has a real fever and I have the kind where you dream of being outside in the sunshine that decided to show itself for the first time in I don’t know when.  So we are staying inside on a nice day so that she can break her fever.  I ran to the  movie store and grabbed 6 movies, Ryen ran to Subway to get a quick dinner for all of us and we will stay inside and hope that tomorrow the fever is gone.  The weekend is supposed to be really nice and I had ideas of frolicking in the sunshine, camera in hand.  I don’t think it is happening and that is ok.  That is what we do as parents, right?  We say its okay because they are more important and there is nothing worse than watching your child hurt.

But one thing we have to do tomorrow (unless she is running a fever) is get glasses.  Both of us – Me and Madi.  I know I need glasses and I haven’t even had my eyes checked yet.  I am getting old indeed.  My eyesight is causing horrible headaches that make me pray for permanent darkness to make the pain go away.  I am hoping the glasses help.  Ryen is REALLY hoping the glasses help.  I know he is just as sick of them as I am.  He is patient but he hates seeing me in pain and I hate ruining everyone’s day/night/weekend.  Madi needs glasses to read.  I knew this last year when I had her eyes checked but the Optometrist suggested I wait another year before spending the money on lenses because he knew her eyesight would change (get worse?) and he didn’t want me to spend the money and have to return in 6 months for new lenses.  So we are getting glasses.  The three of us will be wearing glasses.  A family of four eyes!  Yippppeee! 

And because Madi’s fever required lots of attention, I am sort of spent.  So I am ending this post with a simple YIPPPEEE~!  SUBWAY SANDWICHES are here!  I am hungry, so let’s eat.  Sorry, I didn’t get enough for the internet but YUM – It smells so good.  It’s the little things people!  I hope your weekend is filled with sunshine and regular bodily temperatures.