As promised, I am back today to be honest about why this blog has been so sporadic over the last two years. The reason for such vague writings is the struggle that I go through regarding what is appropriate for this site and how it will effect Madi. I have thought long and hard about where the line should be. The truth is, there are few people, if any, that actually read this site. And if there are people reading they have remained silent thus far. I came to the decision that I want this journal/blog/record of my life and Madi’s; I want it to be honest. Of course there are things that should be kept private and then there are things that everyone already knows so why should I remain silent about them? For me, this blog has been missed. I have wanted to turn to it so many times. My outlet for feelings that cannot be voiced but instead, easily written. I wasn’t in a place in life that I was comfortable doing that. The last thing I wanted was to hurt those I love. Now I feel it is time to break the silence and be honest about my life. Grow and learn from it. Write it down and learn from it. Read it every now and then to remind myself of how far I have come and how much I have grown as a person and a Mother. I am no longer a wife. Wow, the first time those words have been written by me.
Chris and I chose to separate over two years ago. It was a mutual decision, one that was private at the time for reasons that will remain private. We have maintained a more than civil relationship not only for Madi but also for ourselves. I have no ill feelings toward the Father of my child, my former partner and I still very much consider him a friend. I also still love him and cannot imagine a time when that love will cease. He is a part of Madi, the love of my life, so how could I not love this man. The man that I shared so many years of my life with. I don’t regret a minute of the 12 years spent with him. I am also very glad that we chose to end it when we did. It was time, we both knew it, it wasn’t a joyful time but we have survived.
There are a few people who refuse to accept that two adults can make a decision to remain friends. To remain friends, remain friendly towards one another seems almost ludicrous to them. That is their choice and something I have no control over. In the beginning I wanted to change their feelings, make them understand that everything was going to be okay. Words have been said, stubborn people remain stubborn and I choose to move past that. I no longer wish to change them, nor do I wish to remain entangled in their lives. The hurt is there, how can it not hurt when you love the ones who no longer have the same love for you? How do you move past the harsh words that have been said when there is no conceivable reason for them to have such bitter feelings. I did not divorce this person, I divorced a member of their family. How do I move on? I just do. Sometimes you just have to push them to the outer edges and realize that they were creating a toxic environment for what matters most. What matters most is my daughter. If you do not support what Chris and I are trying to do for her then there is no longer a place in my daily life for you. I have moved on.
This past week Chris and I appeared in court. We entered together, joked about random things and retained one lawyer. We did what we thought was best for Madi. Not what we thought was owed to us or what we thought would be best for us. Our joint concern is Madi and will remain that way. The people who wish it to be different are wasting their time and really need to look at their own lives and concentrate on their own happiness. I think that lonely, miserable people want to be surrounded by the same. I am not lonely or miserable nor do I believe that Chris is either of those. We are in this for Madi. She is our world. I am grateful that she has a loving Father and I am grateful for the way he has handled the situation. Madi is a lucky girl who has two parents who love her more than anyone else in the world. We have done good by her. That will never cease.
It has not been easy, but easily the hardest thing I have gone through thus far in life. The loss of a marriage is never a happy thing. I have gone through every step of grieving and I am now at a place in my life that I am prepared to move on knowing that I did my best with the life tools I had at the time. Could things have been different? I don’t know and it’s not something I will ever be able to answer. It is also not a question that I am seeking a solution to. It is was it is. Life must go on. My life is what I choose to make it. I have and will continue to make mistakes. Life is all about learning and sometimes mistakes are made. I am no longer the person (I was in the past) who dwells on the negative in life, dwelling on mistakes, the should have done, the could have done or the would have done. I have chosen to go confidently in the directions of my dreams and live the life I have always imagined. Not the life that someone else has imagined for me. That was the past me, very different from the person I am today.
Life is rough around the edges and these days I choose to stay centered. As far away from the edges that I can. I am still very aware that they are there. I am sometimes forced to see them but I do not have to be consumed by them. I am stronger today than I was two years ago. Am I happier? Yes, I am happier and wiser inspite of the divorce but not happier because of it. There is still sadness and I suppose that will remain forever on some level. I choose to feel the sadness without letting it define me or my life. That would be a great injustice to Madi. She deserves happy parents and she has them. She has them both – one Mother and one Father. Two people who will never be replaced. That fact alone can do nothing but make me smile and my heart is happy because of it. The sadness? Well I have pushed that out to the rough edges while I stay here in the center. In that center is the best little girl in the entire history of the world. Why would I want to be anywhere else?