Why be a parent – or cousin, or an aunt, or an uncle – if not to exploit children for blog content?
Early morning conversationsÂChris: Maddie, why did you wet the bed? You are not supposed to do that. You should tell us when you have to go. You went to the bathroom right before bed last night. What happened?
Maddie: Strange days Daddy. Strange days.Â
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Tell your readers about the presents you’ll remember forever.
To err is human, but to share? Divine. It just occurred to me that this would be a perfect post card to submit to Post Secret but I want to finish this exercise and this is not only a writing exercise but also therapy. It feels good to fess up. I have never told a soul that I was the one, until now.
It is hard to type the horrible story that I know is about to unfold, bringing to light a crime that I have kept secret, a crime that happened when I was sweet and so very young. Oh hell, I knew what I was doing and I knew it was wrong. But damn those pretty pencils! And damn that little girl who could afford to buy Hello Kitty pencils with their hot pink erasers. She wouldn’t share, let alone allow me to touch them. I asked her if I could look through her pencil box. I wanted to know if the glittered pencils would release bits of glitter so that I could rub them on my very own standard #2, you know, to spruce it up a little.  The answer? “No, I don’t want you to touch them.â€
It was the distaste in her voice that pushed me over the edge that day. You had a whole pencil box stocked full of breathtaking pencils you should have shared with the world. Hell, my pencils didn’t merit a pencil box; I had a pencil bag with a broken zipper. But you didn’t let me touch them and in my ten-year-old green-envy, that meant you would pay for your act of withholding. The act of withholding pencils that had yet to be sharpened. They were too pretty to be sharpened.
Later that week the teacher asked if someone would like to stay after school and help with special projects. I was volunteered not knowing that this was to be the beginning of the perfect crime. While cutting out borders for the bulletin board my eyes were drawn to your pencil box with Lisa Frank stickers decorating the sides. You always had pretty stickers as well but one thing I had up on you was a steady supply of glue. My Mom made sure we had several bottles every school year. Thank goodness for that because it took an entire bottle of Elmers glue to fill that pencil box. It was a Friday, the weekend provided the ample drying time.  Â
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If I ruled the world, things would be better, at least in a few small ways.
There is no acceptable reason why women should don underwear beneath their pantyhose. They are both clearly designed to be the lone undergarment. The decision should be made prior to dressing as to which one you will need based on the outfit you plan on wearing. The pantyhose makers of America (or the sweat shops of third world countries) design the garment complete with cotton liners in the appropriate position. Your daily underwear provides the same. So why wear both? You are only creating unneeded panty lines under that sexy black dress and no one wants to see the very unsightly lines that this combination creates. So choose one or the other but never both. I truly believe that a particular embarrassing scene could be avoided, you know the one I am talking about, women exiting the bathroom and unbeknownst to them the back of the dress is tucked into the pantyhose exposing their derrière. I blame this on the dual undergarment. This is how it happens: You are doing your business in the stall and there is a long line of women waiting for their turn. In a scuttle, you pull up your underpants and all is well. But then comes the task of pulling the pantyhose into place and ladies, this is where things go terribly wrong. The underwear you currently have in place has given you the false sense of coverage and you are unaware in your haste to get out of the stall that you have not only pulled your pantyhose in place but have inadvertently placed the back of the no longer sexy dress in between the two undergarments.Â
In my perfect world where I spare all women from unneeded embarrassment this would never happen. There would be a hidden security device in your panties that would warn you by way of sexy male voice that one garment is enough, thank you very much, please choose between the two. Maybe this safety gadget could serve other purposes as well because I am sure there are women who are unwaveringly against wearing nylons. I will use this in another writing exercise, on another day.
Note:Â If your vagina requires more than one standard cotton barricade, you should seek the advice of a trusted friend or licensed professional.
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Or what I had for lunch. After reading the entire book “No One Cares What You Had for Lunch†By Maggie Mason, I decided that this would be a cheaper alternative to the writing class I so dearly wanted to take. I had the $20 for the book but when I checked on tuition for a writing class, I was not brave enough to mention the idea to Chris because I knew at some point he would say, “I support you 100%, I think it is a great idea.  By the way, how much are we talking about?â€Â Since I am still paying for that student loan I just can’t justify the cost in our current financial situation. I have to give credit to Chris before I go any further because he would support me no matter what the cost. He would encourage me and cheer me on but I can’t put more unneeded stress on family to follow my silly dream. At least not right now. In place of the formal writing class, which would certainly include a ton of homework, I have decided to use the book as my writing class. I will write 100 posts over the next year or less using each of Maggie’s suggestions as a writing lesson.Â
There are certain topics in the book that I would not normally write about but I can only imagine the assignments I would receive in a formal writing class. So this book (loving the book helped make this decision) is a much better way for me to hone my writing skills. I have ideas for my future, which include qualifications such as “Prior publication required, writing skills a must, impeccable grammar†and this is a safe place for me to try it out. A place where it won’t be held against me when I say things like gonna, gotta, or WTF. The Internet will understand when a boss would just quietly walk me out the door or worse, send me a perfectly written letter explaining that I am incapable of forming complete sentences therefore I am incapable of working for them. And let us not mention my continuous misuse of commas and explanation points. Thank you very much.
I will continue to write this blog for Maddie and will eventually move my “exercises†to a separate blog at the same address. I will let all of you know so you can check them out and please, please, please comment. Be honest. Did you hate the stories, did I misspell something or was it as wonderful as you had hoped it would be? I am 31 so I think I can take it. If I misuse a word or misplace a comma it would be much appreciated if you would let me know. There are only 2 or 3 of you reading this and you all have college degrees. Help a girl out!So please be prepared for strange titles as I will be using each idea from the book as a title with a small explanation of Maggie’s suggestion. I am apologizing up-front if I drop the F bomb or and occasional ‘bastard’ because I use these words internally so you may see a little change in language as I write my thoughts. If this offends you let me know and I will be sure to put them in bold so you can clearly see when they are coming.Note: Maggie, if you stumble upon this site (highly unlikely), I hope you are ok with what I am doing. If not, please comment and I will stop immediately.