Crazy For Her…

Why is it so hard? Don’t write about your job or you will be fired. Seriously people, don’t do it!

I have been thinking a lot lately about family and how important it is that we all feel loved. There are so many people in our lives that give us love and they are all so different. I read an email a few days ago, one of the chain emails that we are inidated with on a daily basis. This email in particular struck a cord with me the moment I read it. I can’t remember the exact words but I knew that I wanted to put together an entry for Maddie in the same format.

Maddie, there are so many people who love and care for you. They each have different ways that they show you love. Sometimes we tend to take their best qualities for granted. Or maybe we don’t see each of them enough. You can always count on people for different reasons. This is my list for you. I hope that you read this someday and think about all the people that love you. This is something that I would like for you to read, print it and keep it close to your heart. Because these are the people that you can always count on. When you are old enough to read this, I hope that they are still with us and giving you those moments that you can always count on. I know that life is unpredictable and nothing is certain in life. The people that you love will eventually pass on but the important thing is keeping them alive in your heart and in your daily thoughts.

You can always count on:

Mom – My heart will forever be inside you, long after I am gone. I will feel your joy, laughter, pain and sadness for as long as I live. I will be here for you whenever you need me and even at times when you think you don’t. I will be there. We will argue and disagree about things and I will continue to love you just as deeply as I do right now. You can count on me to keep you connected to family because it is one of the most important things in life.

Dad – You can always count on him to love you uncondtionally. He will teach you things that I never could. He is your role model for how a woman should be treated. Like me, he will feel your joy, laughter, pain and sorrow although he may not show it the same way as me. When he asks you about your car, how is it running, have you checked the oil etc. He is really asking you “How are you?”.

Nana G. – She will teach you and you should listen. You can count on her to spoil you and give you special moments that you will cherish forever. She will show you love in the things that she does WITH you and not material things. Material things are lost and forgotten, the time that she spends with you will be unique and memorable.

Nana T. – Lots of hugs and kisses to start and then she will give you what you ask for. But remember that she has a lot to tell you, you just have to ask. The stories that she could tell you will teach you a lot of life lessons. Listen carefully, you will hear the love in her voice. Show her all the love that you can and you will receive even more in return.

Grandpa G. – You can count on him to show you a carefree life, genorosity and extreme kindness. Listen to his music and remember his big heart. Watch how he treats other people and you will learn what “Random Acts of Kindness” truly means.

Grandpa T. – You can count on him to make you laugh. He is silly and that is how he shows his love for you. He plays silly games and as you get older he will keep playing these silly games. He will also give you lots of hugs and kisses.

Aunt Karrie – She will tell you stories, fix your hair, put on makeup, sing to you and teach you silly dance moves. We do not see her enough and I hope that you get to see her big heart and that a big part of her heart belongs to you.

Aunt Taisia – You can count on her to show you how to be a strong women. She will teach you values and will give you a strong sense of family. There is a lot of love in this womans heart and I want you to pay attention to the way she lives her life. When you are with her, you are guaranteed to be truly loved and you will feel this just by being in the same room.

Aunt Pilly – You can count on her to teach you about the world. She has travelled to many places and I think it is important for you to listen to the stories she has to tell you. She will play with you, take you shopping, read to you and love you always. I hope that she will tell you about her life and accomplishments.

Uncle Terry – You can count on Terry for so many things. First of all, he is very funny and I hope you see his wonderful sense of humor. You can talk to him and he will give you good advice. I would like for you to stay close to him and know that he is trust worthy, you can learn a lot from him.

Uncle Jason – You can count on him to spoil you beyond belief. He will let you get away with things that Mom and Dad won’t but he will not let you get hurt. You can count on him to tell you about the world and the places that he has seen.

Cousin Kira – You can count on her to be your friend. Because you are both so young, I may have to update this part later. More than anything, I hope that you stay connected and always stay close. I beleive that she will be an important part of your life as you grow together.

Cousin Taylor – He will pay attention to you and you have to understand the importance in this statement. He is a good person with a big heart. He has a good soul and I hope that you learn how important these qualities are.

Cousin Sydney – You can count on her to play with you no matter the age difference. She will talk to you and laugh with you. She also has a great sense of humor and an amazing ability to impersonate people. Stay close to her because she has had life experiences that you thankfully will never have. And because of these life experiences she is who she is. A wonderful little girl with hopes and dreams. I hope that she shares those things with you.

I hope you find the best in people before you look for the worst. We all have good and bad qualities but family can sometimes make the worst qualities disappear, if even for a moment. Stay close to us all and we will show you love like no one else can.

I haven’t spent much time with Maddie this week (10 & 12 hour work days for me) and I am feeling sad because of it. She is my life, yet I see her the least. The weekends are all I truly have with her and for that I am sorry. I want so badly to be with her and spend more down time with her. The simple fact is that there is hardly any down time anymore. We go to the park, the zoo, for walks and bike rides on the weekend. Through the week, I am just trying to get ready for the next day, give her a bath, feed her and put her to bed.

I look forward to every weekend because I know that I will see her from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep. I just want more time to watch her grow into this wonderful little child that she is becoming.

I am finding it harder and harder to get things done around the house. I haven’t picked up a book in over a month and still have an unfinished novel on my bedside table. It really bothers me when things are left undone around the house. Laundry, dishes and all the toys that we spread about through the week. I found a bath toy in the ice tea pitcher when I pulled it out of the cabinet. Why do I dwell on these things so much?

Chris and I joke about my obsession. He thinks I have OCD. I really don’t think so but it is on my mind more than it should be. It doesn’t so much bother me if the house is dusty and I am not worried about cob webs. The things that really bother me are those that are out of place. Things that are left out or a picture frame that is crooked on the wall. The pictures bothered me so much that I took them all down and put up some framed prints that we had planned on hanging in another room. They look nice on the wall and give me a sense of order.

After working 10 & 12 hour days this week, I have become more and more frustrated with the fact that I do not have enough time to keep things in their place. We are not home that much and it would seem that this would not be a problem. I am equally responsible for these misplaced items and piles of laundry. But I am the only one who has issues with it. Maybe it is because I am the one who feels solely responsible for making sure these things stay where they belong.

So, having said all of that, I decided to ask a neighbor to help me out. She needs the extra money and I need to get things in order so that I can relax. I have asked her to come to my house every other week and do the major cleaning: Floors, dusting, bathroom and kitchen. I will take care of other things while she is helping out. I plan on putting over 400 hundred stray pictures in albums and updating Maddie’s baby book. I also plan to hang a “Family Board” in Maddie’s room so that she will be surrounded by all those wonderful people who love her, while she sleeps.

I don’t know if this will work but I am going to give it a try. My neighbor understands that this is on a trial basis. If I find that it isn’t helping much, no harm done and I will try something else. She is happy to get a few extra dollars and I happy to get a few extra hours of cleaning so that I can get some things organized.

I am not sure how Chris truly feels about this arrangement but this is something that I am doing for me, with hopes that it will impact my life in ways that most people wouldn’t understand. I realize that for most, looking at that cup left on the table wouldn’t generate a second glance. For some reason it fills me with a sense of dread and a strange feeling that I have somehow failed. I am a little embarrassed by these feelings but they are true feelings. It is nice to have a place where it feels right to finally talk about it.

Today Maddie and I had our first conversation. At least the first one that I fully understood. She told me about Daddy taking her to school and she saw the moon. I understood exactly what she was telling me. We were all talking at the table last night and Chris mentioned that they could see the full moon that morning as the sun was rising. Maddie joined the conversation by saying “Moon, andddjjkkjll (lots of hand gestures), DaDa.” Today, she remembered that conversation and when I picked her up and ask if she had a good morning with Daddy, she answered me in a full sentence that I could understand. It would seem to some that it is a silly thing to write down in a journal but you haven’t seen the hand gestures. Trust me when I say that they are really darn cute!